Pourquoi..

WHY.

I have so many questions. Why does my heart keep breaking? Why do I bother rebuilding it? Why do I feel like I never get a break?

All unanswerable, of course.

I feel like I'm on a continuous roller coaster; nothing seems to change as I go around and around. I get little bits of happiness, followed by quick plummets toward the ground to remind me that the highs never last.

I feel like I am standing at the entrance of the maze in Labyrinth, and the one way trail is my life. I cannot fathom making it all the way to the end, the task is unbearably overwhelming.

I am not sure what is happening with John. He seems to have lost interest, which he denies, but is obvious with his lengthening periods of silence. He is shattering me all over again, after I swore I wouldn't let him.

Last week I heard from my oldest brother, whose name is also John. I haven't spoken to him in 15 years, and have no intentions of doing so now. He sent a message to me on Facebook months ago, which I ignored, and somehow got my phone number last week and left a message. I wish he would leave me alone. His message took me back to a place in my past I have spent years trying to forget. It makes me feel ill, depressed, and scared, and also angry that he would have the nerve to contact me.

To top it all off, I found out that one of my best high school friends was to get married on the weekend, and I wasn't invited. This hurt me to no end. We have drifted, as is expected after graduation, especially when one has a child and the other doesn't, but I always thought I would be invited to celebrate the happiest day of her life. Apparently the happiest day of her life was happiest without me.

Mercifully, DM came to the rescue as she so often does. Montana and I packed up and left town for the night, and I felt all my hurt fade away the further I drove. I love relaxing and watching all the little ones play while I have Mommy time with my best friend. The next day we went on a short trip to a local tourist site. We took a tram down the mountain, ate some fudge, and took loads of pictures. It was great.

I felt so much better after the weekend, but as the week started, the stress started to build up all over again. I have not heard from John in four days, and I am ready for him to tell me he hates me so I can move on with my life.

My self worth is so close to bankrupt that I am forcing myself through the day with very little joy. My main source of joy is my daughter who deserves the absolute best, and I am failing at giving it to her. I try not to let her see that, which is becoming increasingly difficult. She is my reason for living, and I want her to know she is worth it.

This is, by far, the lowest dip on the roller coaster, and every day I hope things will start to look up. I know I will survive this depression, as I always do, thanks to the positive people in my life, but I wish the ride would level out and just go in one direction.