Fatigué

Another weekend has come and gone, and has left me in the deep hole of depression. It seems to be coming more often than it used to, this feeling of hopelessness, and I am quickly losing my ability to recover each time.

If I don't spend weekends doing something productive, I spend weekends crying. I try to fill my time as best I can, with parties, visiting DM, playing games with the family, and more recently having a game night with good friends. I had nothing planned Friday night, so I sat here and cried. Why? I don't know.

I feel as though I'm starting to break from reality, and it is scary. I have serious money problems; haven't been able to shower in my own home in two months or more; have no vehicle and wouldn't be able to insure one regardless; bills are piling high around me.

I feel like I am failing my child, between my constant fatigue and sadness, and lack of necessities, and she doesn't deserve it.

All I wanted to do this weekend was sleep. However, I dragged my sorry butt out of bed to take the kids to the swimming pool so that Tristan could attend his friend's birthday party and Montana and I could have some alone time. It was nice, but when we got home, I slept some more.

What kind of parent does that make me? When I postpone Rockband or Uno with Montana because I cannot deal with the conscious life?

I would never do anything to purposely ruin Montana's life, let me be clear. I know it sounds like I am sinking, which I am, and I often wish I had an "out." It would be so easy. But I cherish Montana more than I ever thought humanly possible, and the thought of missing her growing up, and moreso the thought of her growing up without me, keeps me going.

She is my lifesaver, my number one reason for taking a breath each day. I put on my smile and go about my day because I have no choice. I work, for money that doesn't help my family, I take care of the kids and pets, and I try to have a social life. In return, I get disappointment, rejection, and sorrow. I feel like I should be thankful for what I do have, but each day is a reminder of how I am failing, and how I am sinking further into this hole.

I am taking two pills a day, and I am thinking of seeing a shrink. I don't know if it will help, but I really don't know what to do anymore.

I am starting to see that this is my life; single, working mother with no hope for growth or change. I do however, have one hope: That Montana will do much better than I have, that she is happy, healthy, and oblivious to the lump of sadness that is her mother.

Je Suis un Végétarien

Correction: I am a lacto-ovo vegetarian. What this means is that I eat no meat whatsoever, from gobbling turkeys to mooing steaks to pinching crabs. I do, however, consume dairy products and eggs, providing, of course, that they are prepared and made without animal by products.

When I was 14, a friend of mine became vegetarian, and it appealed to me. I had acquired aversions to meat on my own, so I decided that I should cut it out completely. One night I was eating what had once been my favorite dinner, Shake 'n Bake chicken, and I had an epiphany: The skin on the chicken was... skin! Yes, obviously it is skin, you're thinking, but I equaled it to my skin, and that was it; I was done eating it.

I did not become vegetarian for health reasons, I simply chose the lifestyle because I couldn't bring myself to eat animals--of any kind--any longer.

Originally I cut out eggs as well, because I did not want to eat baby animals either, even if they weren't hatched/born yet. When I had Montana, I realized she couldn't tolerate the dairy in my system when I nursed her, which left me a limited menu. I began eating eggs again, after five years. I then found out that the eggs I buy are unfertilized, which cleared my conscience.

I have now been vegetarian for 13 years, almost half my life. I have cut out many foods; not just obvious meats like cow, pork, and chicken, but also jello, marshmallows, and some cheeses and yogurts, because I recently found out they have animal by products in them. It has not been easy, but it is something I firmly believe in.

The reason I am blogging about this today is because I read online that someone chooses not to eat pork but eats other meats. I hear this all the time, and it confuses me. Over the past decade plus some, when I tell someone I am vegetarian, they often assume I still eat fish, and/or chicken. I don't understand that. I decided not to eat animals anymore, and I consider fish and chicken to fall under that category.

Basically, if it has a face, poops, or has babies, I will not consume or digest it. Fish are friends, not food!