Mon Pere

It has been 12 years since my dad passed away. It is hard to believe that I haven't seen him for over a decade. While it doesn't hurt as much as it did when he died, it is still hard to think about. I try not to, because otherwise I won't be able to function.

I think about him all the time, though. Yesterday when we looked through our stockings it felt like he should have been there, even though it has been more than 15 years since we all celebrated Christmas together. Tonight when we played board games, I saw his humor coming out in my brother DW. When Montana and I watch Saturday Night Live, I remember watching it with my dad at her age. I attribute my sense of humor to him, my appreciation for comedy.

We didn't do anything special for my dad today, although it would have been nice, but I am hoping to see his sister soon, which always makes me think of him.

I wish he were still here so Montana could meet him and see what I saw in him; I feel so sad that she missed it all.

I did get a nice surprise in the mail this week, thanks to Christmas: Mom's best friend found old photos of my dad from when I was a kid, and sent them to me. I was overjoyed. I have only a few pictures, because everything he had was destroyed by a flood. I am so grateful for those few she sent, including the one of him feeding me above <3

RIP Dad, miss you every day.

Un Mois Plus Tard

To my readers: I apologize for my neglectful behavior as late, I hope I have not lost anyone with my silence! I will try to update as efficiently as possible.

We are settling nicely into our new home, and enjoying living in our old 'hood again. We have spent many nights with friends playing board games and Wii games, having parties and coffee dates, and getting our kids together for numerous playdates. It has been wonderful.

I have been actively trying to conceive with no luck so far. I seem to have encouraged ovulation, though, as I have started my period this month, which is great news and hopefully a good sign.

A couple weeks ago we had our office Christmas party, which, as always, was a huge success. We all had a great time, and Mom and I even managed to have dinner with a great friend who works out of town for us. Today we had our own little office's Christmas lunch and exchanged Secret Santa gifts--I got new Canucks slippers, so I am a happy girl!

Last weekend I threw a baby shower for Rose, and it was very emotional for two reasons: The obvious--it caused such heartache for me because I want pregnancy so much for myself; and I was so incredibly lit up to see my Rose with a baby bump. It was even more heartwarming to see her with child than it was to see her in a wedding dress. Needless to say, it was hard to keep my tears in. The shower was a huge success, and I was so happy to see her!

Mom, DW, Tristan, and Lil Kub went to my aunt's house for dinner tonight while Montana and I stayed home--my choice. Despite my aunt's attempt at a guilt trip (Look up Alzheimer's, Gramma doesn't have much time left) I declined the invitation. I am not ready to face the family. I think Montana and I will visit my Gramma next month for her birthday and see how that goes, but I do not want to see my cousins, and I'm not sure I ever will. Montana was quite upset at seeing the entire family go without us, and I felt torn, but stood my ground and kept her home with me. After a bit of pouting, we had a great evening just the two of us. We have not had this in quite some time, and it was exactly what she and I both needed. After an hour she was breaking into giggle fits and calling me "Mommy," which is rare these days, so I know I made the right decision. Also, I found out my Gramma was too sick to even be at the dinner tonight, so I didn't miss anything.

Christmas is fast approaching--2 SLEEPS!!--and I am feeling happy and grateful with my little girl, and my family. Our tree looks wonderful with presents for the kids, and seeing Lil Kub's increasing interest as the pile of gifts grows is exactly why I love this holiday. Tomorrow night we will have our traditional Christmas Eve with having dinner, setting out cookies and milk for Santa, and watching the kids open two gifts: Always pajamas, and either new blankets, or, like this year, new slippers.

The last few months have been emotional to the extreme, I have been in a bottomless depression which has taken away my desire to blog, and I have tried to stay in denial. However, I need to be conscious and enjoy my daughter and Christmas. I will deal with my troubles later, but for now it is time to just be.

Merry Christmas readers!