I am typing this out while sitting in my temporary bed in a cabin in the mountains. I am on night three of camping here, and it is freezing! The temperature dropped to around 5 degrees Celsius, and it is nasty outside. So here I sit, wrapped in blankets with the furnace on high, while the kids go swimming with Blanche’s daughter Chevy, and Mom visits with her best friend in the other cabin.
It hasn’t been like this the entire time we’ve been here. It was gorgeous on the drive up until we hit the mountains, and even then it was only cloudy. Yesterday was pretty nice, too. There wasn’t enough sun for my liking, but it didn’t rain, and it was hot. We went for a three hour hike, which I wanted to avoid but was guilted into—Blanche and her family make the trek every year to spread more of her dad’s ashes around his favourite spot, so I went along.
Last night we went to the famous hot springs here that we have been hearing about for years, and I thought it was nice, but I expected more. It is a group of pools: Cold-cold, Cold, Hot, and Hot-hot. I don’t know the temperatures of the cooler pools, but the Hot-hot pool was set at 43 degrees Celsius last night. I stuck my feet in that pool, the Cold pool, and the Cold-cold pool, but it was raining at that point and I just wanted to sit and relax in the Hot pool, which I believe was set at 37 degrees Celsius. I was hoping for the actual springs, but they were shut down years ago, and the pools were built. We saw the ruins of the old springs while hiking yesterday, so that was cool.
I am dealing with the emotional part of the trip better than I thought I would, but I am having a difficult time. I am in love with the baby, which I completely expected, but it makes my heart hurt. She is adorable and very happy, so we are all enjoying her, and I’m glad I got to meet her while she was still little. But in the back of my mind, there’s still a small voice reminding me that I can’t have that ever again.
Then there’s J. While we were hiking through the more difficult paths in the mountain yesterday, he carried the baby stroller, and I glanced over at him pushing the stroller with his fiancée V and her dog, and I almost lost it. It is extremely difficult seeing them together, and all I hear all day long is wedding talk. It’s more than I can bear, which is why sitting here alone is so appealing. I think I have realized something though: I am not jealous of V so much as I am jealous of the love they have. J has long forgotten me, and has found his future wife. I have nobody, and likely never will. I am over J, have been for a long time, but that doesn’t make it any easier to see him cuddled up with her. Being surrounded by the two couples here, one of which has the baby, I am very sad. I have made the decision to stay single, but sometimes I wish I had what they all seem to have. I feel pathetic; I feel like a loser. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to attend the wedding next year, but I’m hoping by then I’ll have a baby of my own or one on the way, and will be in a better place.
Speaking of babies on the way, Chevy thinks that Montana’s stepmother has another bun in the oven. She isn’t entirely sure, and I haven’t received any messages on the subject, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Everyone around me is popping them out like Orville kernels and I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs. It gets me pretty depressed.
Tomorrow we are leaving here, and I’m not sure where we’re headed. We will be leaving for home, but we may stop halfway because I am exhausted and not sure I can do that drive straight through this time. It’ll be nice to get home to the pets, but I am enjoying the little break from life up here.
Work has been stressful, my license expires in a couple days and I found out I owe a large sum of money which has to be paid before I can renew, and the kids are out of school. So the next month is up in the air as far as working goes, but I will worry about that next week.
Back to relaxing in bed alone!
