Une Décennie

I have been thinking about my life a lot over the past couple weeks, and it seems that not many things have changed in the past decade.

January 2001:

• I was in a deep depression
• I had a part time dead end job that I enjoyed
  
• I wanted a baby
• I fought a never-ending war against lice
• I shared a home with my mother and baby brother

January 2011:

• I deal with depression, trying to keep it under control with medication
• I have a part time dead end job that I love
  
• I so very desperately want a baby beyond anything I've ever experienced
• I recently had to deal with lice for the first time in years
• I share a home with my mother and little brother

So what is different? The main difference is that I have a wonderful, perfect little girl--without her I would be a lost soul. I now have much better friends who offer support when I'm not sure I even deserve it. I am single. I have irregular periods. I am 50 lbs heavier. I am happier.

It amazes me that so little has changed in such a long period of time. What if everything is the same ten years from now? Will I be a 38 year old woman living with her mother and adult brother and daughter? Will I be making little to no money at a pointless job? Will I be single and depressed? I hope not. Ten years from now I would like to be at the very least on the road to becoming a nurse, happy where I live and work, with two healthy, happy children, and maybe a date here and there. I am determined to make this happen, but I thought I was determined ten years ago. I never imagined I would still be a single mother to Montana this close to 10 years old, with no other children.

I am increasingly grateful for Montana--not to say that I haven't been grateful, I am just realizing that I may not be as lucky in the future. How I got so lucky with that girl is beyond me, and it seems that it was just meant to be. I hope lightning will strike me twice.

I am having a hard time believing I conceived a decade ago--where has the time gone? I would like nothing more than to do it all over again and give Montana a sibling. I am hoping against hope that my dream will come true.

In other news, Rose found out that she is having a girl!! She is beyond ecstatic and I am too; she has wanted a girl for so long. I can't wait to see her hold her own daughter, what a crazy thought!

Happy new year everyone! Hope it's a good one.

Bonne Annee!

Wow. We are already into the second week of 2011! Hard to believe. The last couple weeks flew by, with Christmas, and New Years.

Christmas was fantastic, probably the best Christmas my family has had in years, if not ever. My brother stayed with us for the holidays with Lil Kub, which he always does, but this year he was pleasant. Usually he is cranky for one reason or another, but this year he really enjoyed himself. I think he has started to enjoy life in general more than ever because he is clean and sober, and in a state where he can provide for his child, which offers him self respect and pride. I am also very proud of him. New Years Day was the anniversary of his first day clean. Way to go D.W.!

As for the rest of us (Mom, Tristan, Montana, and myself), Christmas was the best day of the year, as always. We spent the entire day enjoying ourselves, playing games, having a big dinner, and relaxing. It is so nice to be able to do that, without having to get ready and go out to a family gathering. I much prefer our little family Christmas!

New Years Eve was also great; the four of us went up the street to a party at a close friend's house. There were other kids there, and they danced with the Wii, played music, played other video games, and just played all over the house. We adults were downstairs with our own music and friends. At midnight we all got together in front of our hosts' big movie screen and counted down the last seconds of 2010. What a great way to ring in a new year.

Now we are back to reality: Work, school, lunches, bills, homework, the list goes on. It is always a sad time of year for me, with the anniversary of my dad's death and the dreariness of winter with nothing to look forward to in the near future. However, possibly fortunately, I have my planned pregnancy to focus on. I am somewhere in the middle of my cycle, and keeping an eye out for ovulation. Hopefully I will have a brand new baby before this year is up.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2011!