Je vous manque le papa

December 26, 1998:

I was 16. Due to family issues I was living with a friend and her parents, and basically having the worst year of my life. My mom couldn't care for me, I didn't live with my brother, and my dad was sick with throat cancer. He had been sick for a couple years, and after failed attempts to cure him with radiation and surgery, he was given less than a year to live.

Every year on Boxing Day my grandmother threw a party in her home, an open house for family and friends. I looked forward to it all year, had since I was a child. This year I agreed to go early and help her get everything ready.

I was late leaving the house, and was worried she would be a little upset with me. When I got there, however, it was my brother who answered the door-he was living with her at the time. When I saw him, I knew. He had tears rolling down his face, and I just knew. He took me into his room and told me our aunt had phoned to tell him. My dad died at 6:00 that morning.

Boxing Day '98 was the longest day I've ever experienced. I chose to carry on with the party without telling anyone, even my oldest childhood friend. I mingled, made sure people had a good time, and hid in the guest room when it became a little overwhelming. When I got home, I stayed in my room listening to Terri Clark's "Now That I Found You" over and over until I cried myself to sleep.

December 26, 2008:

To commemorate the ten year mark of my dad's death, we went to my aunt's house and released balloons. It was snowing so bad we didn't think we would even make it to her house, much less pick up the balloons and release them. We did make it to her house, luckily, and we even stood outside in the winter wonderland long enough for each of us to let a balloon go. Montana picked out a "Princess" balloon, and even wrote a sweet little note to her Grandpa, who she never had the privilege of meeting. The balloons took a while to float upward, some got stuck in trees due to the snow and wind, but in the end it was a success. My aunt was so touched that I had suggested the release, and was crying. It was a wonderful way to remember my dad.

I have so many memories of my dad, even though our time together was short. He taught me to appreciate comedy, which means more than anything to me. I spent every weekend at his house as a child and he would keep me up to watch Saturday Night Live, something I will always remember.

I am sad that Montana will never get to meet my dad, as will his other grandchildren. I tell her about him often, and show her the few pictures I have. This is no replacement, but it is the best I can do for her.

I'll never forget you Dad, and I miss you every day!

RIP Daddy!
1940~1998

Repose en paix

I apologize to all my reader that I have not been blogging as of late, but I have had a very hectic couple of months, and I have not been able to focus on the good in my life to blog about. I will, however, be blogging for Christmas, so watch for that.

Today's blog is for Brittany Murphy. In 1999, I went to see Girl, Interrupted, and fell in love with Brittany. She played Daisy Randone, a young disturbed girl who was obsessed with chicken. I bawled my eyes out when she was found hanging in her bathroom with End of the World on replay.

Since then I have kept up with her releases, and the only one I can honestly say I didn't enjoy was Sin City. I still liked her character though.

Brittany was a very talented actress, and she will be greatly missed.

RIP Brittany Murphy

2001

T-6 days: Went to the doctor, and my body was working on getting the baby out, but slowly. Luckily I had only light cramping.

T-3 days: My due date. I was progressing, but not quickly enough to call it "labor." Doctor said if nothing happened naturally, I would be induced in 3-4 days.

T-6 hours: Three days after my due date, it was Tristan's second birthday; the day my family was hoping baby would arrive. I received a call from the hospital informing me to head in to be induced.

T-5 hours: Doctor broke my water, which encouraged contractions to start. Labor progressed very quickly after that.

I spent two hours pushing out baby, and she caused a lot of damage on her way out. When she emerged we saw that her hand was in a fist beside her head, which was the cause of all the pain and hemorrhaging. We think she was trying to suck her thumb! Her arm was subsequently bruised quite badly, and she had a dent in her head that didn't correct itself for one year.

Baby Montana made it out on her uncle's birthday with 90 minutes to spare. She was a chunky little doll, much bigger than any of us expected because of my small frame. She was 8 and a half pounds!

2009

My darling little angel is eight years old now. We had a wonderful couple of days to celebrate; we always hold a family dinner for our household, and a second party for friends. I spent nine hours--nine hours!--making cakes with a couple of friends, fondant and all. The cakes turned out quite nicely for my first try, and Montana did the bulk of Tristan's cake. I was so proud!

For the big party we had an animal shelter from our area come to the house with some critters. It was quite amazing, well worth the money. Montana and Tristan each had a turn holding a boa constrictor around their shoulders like a scarf!

We had a great turnout, and all the kids had a marvelous time. I could not be happier, aside from the fact that my "baby" is so grown up!

Happy birthday to Montana and Tristan!

Chanson cette Semaine

American Idol runner up Adam Lambert is releasing his debut album For Your Entertainment (very witty I must say) on November 23. I am very excited! I am a humongoloid fan of Adam's, and was devastated-though not surprised-when he lost Idol. Montana and I went to the Top 10 concert, and Adam blew us away.

He has a song on the 2012 soundtrack, and I just saw the video for the first time. Here you go, for your entertainment: Time For a Miracle.

Le Fait de se Souvenir Jessie

When I was ten years old, we lived with my mom's cousin Holly so the two of them could start a catering company together. Holly had a little girl named Jessica, who celebrated her fourth birthday while we all lived together. She was a sweetheart, a real cute little girl, and I loved her dearly. Of course we fought, but I thought of her as a little sister. The thing that stands out most about her to me is that her two favorite movies were The Wizard of Oz, and The Little Mermaid. I watched Ariel with her until I was sick of it. I was sad when we moved away, but I now cherish the short time we lived together.

October 19, 1996

Holly and Jessica lived in a northern town, and had traveled even further north to do some Christmas shopping. On the way home, there was a storm, and Holly veered into the oncoming lane. She hit a semi truck, and Jessica was killed instantly. She was only eight years old, the age my own daughter will be turning in mere days. Holly survived, but has been in a coma for 13 years now, and may have brain damage to the point of vegetation.

Typing this out is very painful to me, but every year I tell the story to someone, anyone, to help me remember them, or grieve, or both.

I was only 14 at the time, and it was extremely difficult to comprehend, and accept. I was in a state of shock for quite a while, not really believing it. I remember very clearly the day we found out, however, and I doubt it will leave my memory any time soon. Unfortunately I was not invited to the memorial, for whatever reason, which is also a sore spot, but if you read my previous blog, it isn't all that surprising that my own family kept me out. It is not important anymore, though. I will never forgot little Jessie, I mourn her every day.

She would be 21 today, an adult. Possibly in school, or with a family of her own. It is extremely unfair that she was taken so very young, so innocent.

This may be why seeing my daughter turn eight is difficult for me. Picturing my baby cousin at the same age, and knowing that she would never graduate third grade, scares me.

I will miss Jessica every day for the rest of my life, there will always be a special place in my heart just for her. My little brother Tristan will always honor her with his middle name Jesse.

Here are some selected lyrics from baby Jessica's favorite movie, which are wonderfully appropriate:

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love to explore that world up above?
Wish I could be part of that world

And here is the song I was listening to the moment I found out what had happened, and brings me to tears every time I hear it: So They Say by The Soul Attorneys

Problèmes de Famille

I spoke too soon. Being thankful for my family needs to be rethought, or readdressed, or both. Today was dinner at the aunt's house, and I wish I'd stayed home instead.

Every year we go to my mom's sister's house, usually for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a couple other occasions in between. The last couple years we've started to have our own dinners, and sometimes skip the visit to the relatives. That is what I wanted to do this Thanksgiving, but due to the recent death of my aunt's best friend KJ, my mom wanted to be with her sister. Understandable, but even so, I would have gladly chosen my bed over a family dinner. I am fighting a vicious head cold, which may be a sinus infection, and it is wiping me out.

Another reason I wanted to stay home was the way my grandmother treats the kids on my side of the family. She does not like Tristan, and nephew Little Kub doesn't exist in her mind. Montana is somewhat tolerable, as long as she doesn't do anything or say anything. My cousin J has two children now, aged 3 and 2, and in my grandmother's eyes, they are God's little angels. Nevermind the fact that they are toddlers and get into trouble--these little stories are cute as far as she is concerned.

I clean my grandmother's house a couple times a month, and I have to hear all about those kids, all the while she pretends Tristan and Kub don't exist. I bite my tongue and bear it because she is almost 80 and I have had a fairly good relationship with her. I accepted long ago that this is how it will always be.

Today, however, she went too far. After dinner we were sitting in the living room at my aunt's house watching the kids play. The three year old brought out a beach ball, and Kub was playing with it. Tristan came and wanted to play with him, so he was kicking the ball to 16 month old Kub, who was laughing hysterically as he always does when the kids play with him. Apparently this was so offensive to my grandmother that she jumped out of her chair and took the ball away, and started yelling at Tristan. My mom and I were dumbfounded, though not surprised. I spoke up and started defending my little brother, and told her she could at least pretend to like the boy for one day out of the year. For this I was called an "asshole" by my own grandmother. I was then shoved by my cousin and told to "take it outside," despite trying to explain what was happening.

Needless to say, we are no longer going to any family functions. I also will not be cleaning her house anymore. I need to make a stand that this behavior is not acceptable, no matter what her age is. Tristan has to come first, in spite of the fallout.

Tomorrow we will be holding our own Thanksgiving meal, the way it should be: Just our little family of six. Hopefully it will erase all the horrible memories of tonight.

Le Jour de l'Action de Grâce

It is that time of year--time to give thanks. Not sure who we are giving the thanks to, but I would like to say I am thankful for my family and friends. A bit predictable perhaps, but it is really the only bright spot in my life year after year. If it weren't for my wonderful Little Montana, I wouldn't be here! So I owe her a wonderful day of happiness at the very least! I hope everyone has a great day celebrating with their respective families and/or friends!

Amitiés Internet

I have been part of a message board community for the better part of six years now, participating in more than a dozen parenting boards. Over the years I have made several friendships with women all over the world. This past weekend I had the opportunity to meet one such friend, who happens to live just 90 minutes away by car. She and I have been "chatting" online for almost two years, and have become quite close, so this was quite an exciting weekend for me!

I packed up Little M, my doggy, and my Bud Light, and off we went. Our kids got along great despite the range in ages, and of course the doggy was quite popular with everyone except DM's rowdy kitty, who made it quite clear that Pom Pom would not be taking over his kingdom!

DM and I spent the night getting to know each other without computers between us; we talked about our kids, watched Montana play a bit of Wii for the first time--she's a natural!--and of course, discussed the infamous message board to which we owe our friendship in the first place.

The next day Little M and I hung out with the family, and even went bowling. We didn't head home until suppertime, and I was sad to say goodbye. I know DM and I will get together again soon, though, and I cannot wait!

Chanson de la Semaine

Not sure if it has technically been a week since I last posted a song, but this one just came out and I am in love with it! It is Alicia Key's new song, and the first time they played it on the radio I liked it. That is a rarity for me! It is very pretty, and flows so nicely. If you are an Alicia fan, I'm sure you'll agree!

Here is the youtube link, again, no official video yet so it is just the song: Doesn't Mean Anything

Cher Propriétaire

To my landlord:

I am moving. I am moving in 3 weeks, and no I am not paying for this month. I live in a hole of a home and pay more than its worth.

I am sick of the disrespect. I am sick of the rats. I am sick of the maggots. I am sick of being cold because you want to save money.

We have had more than enough fights between us.

Yes, sometimes my rent is late. No, I don't have sympathy for you and your mortgage. You live in a massive family home with three suites that you rent out to poor white folk like my family. If you can't afford to keep the suites paid for when they're empty, you really shouldn't have bought a house beyond your means. I have a hard time scraping together enough money to keep a roof over my head, and my daughter's head, but I don't get to rely on someone else for rent. Imagine how degrading it is to explain to someone like you why I cannot afford the dinky little room I have down here while you have an excess of space upstairs.

You will find more suckers to live in this little box, I have no doubt. You will continue to ignore the mold that is making my little brother sick. The rats will keep coming back and will attract disgusting bugs, and you'll ignore it because it doesn't affect you.

I have found a nicer, more understanding landlord. The rent is about the same, and I'll have more room. My dog and child won't have to hide underground; they can play outside in our very own yard--with grass no less!

I hope you have a wonderful life in your brand new monster house. I hope I never see you again.

Sincerely,

your tenant.

Chanson de la Semaine

I am loving this new song by Hedley. For those who are unfamiliar with the band, it is fronted by Jacob Hoggard, someone from my neck of the woods. The song is a dig at all the reality shows on television, including the Idols (which is the funniest part of the whole song since Canadian Idol is where Jacob got his start.) I enjoy the witticism, and the truthfulness of the lyrics. There is no video yet, so the link below will take you to the youtube video of the song with lyrics.

Cha-Ching by Hedley

A Mi-Chemin Toute la Semaine

And now it is time for the comedown. Happiness in my life is typically short-lived; nothing I do to bring myself down, I suppose it is just Murphy's Law.

It is Hump Day, I have the weekend in my sights and I'm searching for party lights. On a good note, I drove to work today in my new car! I am getting the hang of the clutch-gas relationship, and I stalled just once. I am really enjoying this piece of machinery!

The thing that is bringing me down is that I haven't heard from Mr Hottie since my last blog post. I am trying not to overreact, but it seems to me that if he really is interested in me, shouldn't he be messaging me back, trying to set up a date? Or phoning me? Or something?

I'm not sure why I let these things get me down, but I sure do. I attribute some of it to running out of antidepressants for almost a week and then taking two in one day; I have experienced some rough ups and downs in the past. But for the most part I think it's just a wounded heart. For some silly reason I actually believed that he was into me! Gosh!

I go for some time between boyfriends, and even dates for that matter. I try to find logic in things, and really I should just let them be. I would take some of the blame for this particular letdown if I had sought out Mr Hottie, be it online or in the bar. However, this was a complete fluke meeting, and I am now wondering why on Earth I had to even lay eyes on that man.

I have had very few relationships, and I honestly believe I am meant to be single. I hope to never hear words that praise my worthiness, or promises that I will find someone, "Someday." Perhaps not everyone is on such a path, maybe I am one of the unlucky few who must plan a future alone. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with that, but it definitely isn't something I was aiming for.

There is a chance that Mr Hottie is legitimately busy and will get back to me soon, but how can I know for sure? Should I really give him the benefit of the doubt and go on a date, just to set myself up for more agony later?

I shall now be Ms. SingleMama.

Nuage Neuf

I'm pretty sure the translation of Cloud Nine is mangled in my blog title today, but I just don't goshdarn care today!

My day didn't start great, being Monday and all... The kids were late for school (transit failure, big shock), and I still hadn't heard from Mr. Hottie. A friend of mine text messaged me asking about him, and when she found out he hadn't responded, she told me to text him again. I thought about it for a while, and got a second, third, and fourth opinion (oh my!) and decided finally that I should do it just in case yesterday's didn't make it to him, and then leave it up to him forever. I sent a message saying I had a great time, and just wanted to make sure he got my message. That was before lunchtime. No response.

My inner bitter self came out, and I swore off men, and swore at myself for being such a fool for misreading his signals. I wanted to take a break from dating altogether, and just hang with the girls.

After work I made a call about a car that someone recommended to me, and although it was Standard, I dearly wanted it. So now I am the proud owner of a 1996 Sunfire! One of my favorite cars! I had to get a friend to agree to teach me to drive a stick, but I own a vehicle once again! Once I get the hang of it, no more relying on public transit and their dependable failures.

In the midst of all the vehicular excitement, I got a wonderful text message from Mr. Hottie. I was stunned! He apologized for not answering my texts right away (no need, really), told me he had a great time dancing with me the other night (oh I will melt!), and wants me to pick a night to get together again!

All in all, it was a great day! The pessimist in me is waiting for the bad news, but I am trying to force that out and enjoy the goodness!

Possibly by this weekend I could be driving my gorgeous new car to see my new hottie man! Mon dieu!

Cette Semaine

I haven't blogged in almost a week, which is a first since I began this blog. I'm not sure why I didn't post a new entry. I think I partly wanted to allow grieving for Patrick Swayze before I bumped his memorial from the top of the page, and also I have been busy and tired.

The good news is that I started back at work last week! Hooray! It is a tad boring for me right now because there isn't much work for me to do, but the paycheck makes me a happy girl. It is nice to get back into the routine we had before school was out. I had a nice reception when I returned to work as well, which was an awesome surprise.

Montana found out which teacher shall be hers, and the best part is that she is in the same class as her best friend! I was quite worried, but it was for naught. The two girls have been together since the friend transferred here in late Kindergarten, so it is nice that they are still together.

The bad news is that nine years after graduating high school I am still stuck in the midst of girl drama. I have the best group of friends any gal could ask for, they have been there for me for the past year, and I enjoy their company immensely. Last night was one of our planned outings, and the details changed so much my head nearly imploded. I attended the house party, had a great time, and then headed to the bar with my dear friend. In doing this I stepped on another friend's toes without knowing it. I will not reiterate the conversations I had this weekend, because really it would take the whole blog. I hope at this point it is all resolved, however.

Despite the drama, I had a wonderful time at the bars. Yes, bars. We started at one, but it closes early so we headed to another. At the first bar we made a new friend--she was a bundle of energy and adopted us on the dance floor! It was buds at first sight, and I hope to get together with her again! At the second bar I met a guy. I haven't actually done that in years--my last two boyfriends were met online. We kept bumping into each other on the dance floor, and started dancing together to solve the problem. I was inebriated just enough to have the courage to initiate it, and I'm sure glad I did. We danced for the rest of the night, and he kissed me. He was wonderful! He gave me his card, and kissed my hand before we said goodnight.

The ugly part is that I text messaged him today and he didn't respond. I am confused because of the way he acted last night, and I'm holding onto the hope that he was just busy and will contact me soon.

A combination of good/bad/ugly today was that I had my tattoo touched up. I needed the white redone because it didn't hold the first time; apparently my back was too traumatized. So now I have to go through the whole healing process again, but I know it will be worth it! I'm already planning my next tattoo.

Oh and the great part today was that I may have a car soon! My brother's friend offered to help me find a working, reliable car, and after a month I'd all but given up on him. Today he phoned to see if I can drive a standard, which I can't, but I said I could learn. Apparently there is a Sunfire for sale, and that is one of my favorite cars! Oh I was so happy! He is contacting the seller and will let me know.

I believe that is the entirety of my week, the bloggable parts anyhow. I hope this week keeps going well!

Le Meilleur Moment de Ma Vie

I was six the first time I saw Dirty Dancing. My mom's friend decided to put it on while she was visiting, and I was glued. By the time I was seven I was planning my wedding to Johnny Castle. My girlfriends and I would act out THE DANCE every time we had a sleepover, I knew it step for step. To this day the last dance of the movie is still my favorite scene of all time, out of any movie. It brings tears to my eyes.

Twenty years and many movies later, Dirty Dancing is still my all time favorite. I am thrilled to have a daughter to share it with, although she does not have the love for it that I did at her age. She does enjoy it, however, and we watch it often.

The death of Patrick Swayze has devastated me in a way I cannot explain, although I am sure most women my age will understand. Dirty Dancing will never be the same, to say nothing of Ghost, or Road House, or any of his other titles.

Goodbye Johnny, I will forever carry a watermelon for you!

Here is THE DANCE, dedicated to the man himself:

The Time of My Life

RIP
Patrick Swayze
August 18, 1952~September 14, 2009

9/11..Je m'en souviens

September 10, 2001

Such a glorious day! I was eight months pregnant with my baby girl (gender unknown at the time), and this was the day I went crib shopping. I was so excited! It meant the child was real, that I would soon be a mother. I was overjoyed. My mom and I went and looked at all the beautiful cribs, and I chose a pretty white one. I envisioned it made with a crisp new sheet and covered with stuffed animals. For weeks after I set it up I would stare lovingly at it, counting down the days until it would hold my little bundle. For one day, the drama in my life was put on hold; everything was right in my world.

September 11, 2001

Merely 24 hours after my wonderful dream-like day the world came crashing down--or so it felt, to me anyway.

My pregnant routine started at 10 in the morning, every weekday, when I would drag my tired body out of bed and watch The Price is Right. I relied on that show to begin my day, so much so that Tristan--then less than two years old--wanted to name the baby after the show! I slept with my radio playing, and this particular morning I remember wondering hazily why there was no music, only talking. At 11:00 my mother came in to tell me that my favorite show was pre-empted. I was quite angry--got to love the pregnancy hormones! She explained that the World Trade Center had been hit, but this meant nothing to me. I didn't understand the severity of it; I wasn't familiar with the towers.

Once I was up and lucid, I saw the horrors on television--every channel was showing the same terrifying images. I couldn't believe my eyes, it seemed like a terrible nightmare. I think I was in shock the entire day, replaying it over and over. Seeing those people jump from 100 + stories sickened me, and to this day it breaks my heart to think about.

My enthusiasm plummeted on 9/11. I suddenly felt guilty! I knew it was unwarranted, but it was out of my control. How could I have been so excited about something as trivial as a baby crib when people were dying? When a potential war was in the works? Not only was I fretting over my selfish glee, but I had new worries: How could I bring an innocent baby into a warring world?

Pregnancy in itself can be quite unsettling. As new mothers we all have concerns and second thoughts. I felt overwhelmed: I was a 19-year-old pregnant single teen, and had recently moved from one province to another. I had no money, no job prospects, and no furniture! September and October became quite stressful for me with this new fear.

I did gradually let go of the fear and focus on my new blessing, set up the crib, and enjoyed her first cries. She reminded me that there is good in this world, and I am grateful that she came into my life at that time.

That crib became a memento for me, something that I will always connect to 9/11. It represents happiness and hope.

I cannot believe it has been eight years since that frightful day. Although the world is not as scary as I predicted at the time, I will forever remember those innocent New Yorkers that experienced a case of Wrong Place, Wrong Time.

RIP
9/11

Mon Poids 9/10

When I found out I was going to be off work for a while I decided to start up Weight Watchers again. Two years ago I started WW and lost 25 lbs overall, in probably a six month period. Then I started working. It is said that anyone working there would gain 20 lbs because of the lunches we had, and the lunches we bought. It was true; I gained back all 25 lbs. So I figured, what better time to start it up again than when I'm not working?

A week ago I weighed myself, but I did not measure my waist. I was at 162 lbs, which is normal for me, I fluctuate between 159 and 164 on a regular basis. So from now on, every Thursday, I will weigh myself and measure my waist and blog about it.

I haven't been doing WW but I have started using the habits I learned while on it: Portion control, no eating at night, drinking water, etc.

Here are my results:

162 lbs - total loss 2 lbs
39 inches

En Arrière à l'Ecole

You know how teenagers are thought to feel invincible--that nothing will ever happen to them? I realize now that I may have been guilty of that. However, it wasn't my life that I saw as unchanging; it was my daughter's. Montana was born almost eight years ago, and for some reason I built a little bubble around her and myself in which she would never change nor grow. When she started Kindergarten I saw her as a grown-up little woman; a baby who didn't need me anymore. That was three years ago. Today was Montana's first full day of Grade Three. Imagine my grief! Every year she grows closer to independence and farther from my protection. It isn't that I want to shelter her forever (lie) or keep her from aging (bigger lie) but I wish it would slow down just a smidge!

Montana has attended the same school since Kindergarten, and has had the same best friend. The two girls have been inseparable for two years, always having the same teacher. This year there may be a chance they won't be in the same class, and I worry! Montana had a good day today but was disappointed that she wasn't in the same group as her friend, and I would hate to see her sad going into this grade. We will know by the end of this week, and I'm keeping fingers crossed!

With a new school year comes change of routine, change of seasons, and change of moods. This afternoon Montana played a game on Playstation 2, one that frequently tests her patience. I always wonder why she continues to try this T-for-Teen rated game. I voiced my confusion by asking her why she plays this particular game. Her response: "Because I like it." Yes, I can tell by the tears rolling down your cheeks, dear. Oh the next few weeks will be a thrill.

I hope third grade brings her much joy and challenges despite my mixed feelings. She is a fantastic reader, one of the best in her Grade two class, and I hope she finds enough to sate her appetite.

When she was in Kindergarten I realized that Montana did indeed still need me, and I know that won't change for years to come.

Repose en paix

When my aunt was in school, she met a girl named Karen J, who interestingly had the same last name as my grandmother--my aunt's mother. They became best friends, and remained so for the next 40 + years. My mom also became friends with KJ despite their nine year age difference, and because of this I have many memories of her. My mom told my brother DW and me that KJ tried to convince her to name DW "Harpo," and even had a T-shirt made when he was a baby!

When I was eleven, we spent a week and a half with KJ. She had moved 12 hours away from us to a lovely town where she had a house so big I thought it was a mansion, and even owned part of the lake abutting her property. I was very impressed, and had a great vacation there. I even earned money by brushing KJ's hair every evening!

At the time KJ was a foster parent, and was taking care of a little girl named Melissa. I was told by another girl my age that Melissa was an annoying brat, but I completely disagreed after spending time with her. She had many issues, but was a sweetheart and she and I bonded immediately. One night KJ had to go out and I was in charge of putting Melissa to bed, and from that night on she called me "Mommy." I was thrilled.

We found out the horrors Melissa's "parents" leashed on her, including calling her a "Little Cocksucker," leaving her in diapers for days at a time, and having sex in front of her. She was behind developmentally, and had other issues as well that I cannot remember now.

It was difficult to leave; I cried, and was quite sad for some time after saying goodbye to Melissa. A couple years later, KJ adopted the little girl, and I knew she would have a wonderful future. KJ was her angel.

A few years ago KJ got sick. Cancer. I hadn't seen her in a decade, which from what I hear is a good thing; apparently she didn't look quite the same, she was very ill.

My grandmother called this morning to tell us that sadly, KJ passed away. She was admitted last night and died this morning.

Our family is heartbroken. Heaven definitely gained an angel.

RIP Karen J
1959-2009

Here is KJ's obituary:

KJ May 9, 1949 - September 6, 2009 With rum and coke in hand, smile on her face and a mind to conquer all - KJ joined the big conga line in the sky leaving a huge hole in all our lives. From Bohemian roots to mother to all, KJ was the driving force behind so many. Born 17 months behind sister Alex, KJ spent her youth surrounded by all things theatrical and literary. Well-loved and well-learned she took to the world and explored England and Europe, making lifelong and lasting connections everywhere she went. Upon completion of her and Wally's log house she opened house and heart to those who didn't have either. KJ fostered kids for days, weeks, months, years and subsequently a lifetime. After moving, she built her lakeside haven, leaving the front door open, the fire burning and the wine flowing, where she and Melissa soon found each other, grafting their own branch to their family tree. KJ's endless supply of generosity and love soon brought Donny, Terry and Joey to live with them. Fulfilling her lifetime dream of living in Mexico, KJ spent the majority of this past year living "la vida buena" in Mazatlan. Somehow, during all this, KJ's competitive and stubborn nature drove her to become a writer, pine needle basket weaver, rock painter, sailor, consummate dieter, stained glass artist, memory-maker, irreverent card buyer and Boggle-Crib-Crap on your neighbour Scrabble champion, among many. Above all, KJ was sister, mother, aunt, stepmother, and forever foster-mother. KJ held an unbroken bond of friendship with too numerous to list. Also cousins in the USA, and friends worldwide.

Le Fait de Permettre Va

~~Letting Go~~

Love at first sight
A phrase so trite.
I look to fate.

Together we're not
My love in thought;
my depression, innate.

Year after year
I lived in fear
you'd turn me away.

With age came bravery;
much-desired flattery
In words you say.

Just a taste
of your loving embrace
I'd give my life.

Your yes and your no
Tell me stay, tell me go
An inner strife.

Too long I try
Alone, I cry
Empty inside.

You'll never know
I'm letting you go:
THIS
is my last goodbye.

Exposition Nationale Pacifique

Yesterday I went to the Pacific National Exhibition in Vancouver with my mother, Tristan, and Montana. We had an awesome time, which was to be expected :) For those who are unfamiliar with the PNE, it is a 2-3 week event at the end of summer. From April to October, Playland is open, which is just a regular amusement park. The PNE adds much more: More rides, more food, more fun! Every night there is a concert, and last night it was Tom Cochrane, which is the reason we chose yesterday to go.

We arrived before 3:00 PM, and grabbed some grub so our stomachs wouldn't interrupt our fun later on. Then we moved on to the rides. Montana is finally big enough for most of the rides, something we have all been waiting for! Our first ride was called The Music Express; this is the one ride Montana has been dying to go on. She LOVED it!!

Another ride we went on was the Tilt-a-Whirl, something Montana has been on several times in the past few years, and loved it. This particular TAW went so fast our cheeks were sucked backward to the seatback, and she started crying. She also went through a glass house and ran into a window, giving herself a fat lip and red cheek, the poor dear!

After the rides we visited the petting zoo, saw some horses and bulls, and the kids even experienced a mini farm day! They had their own buckets with which to collect fake eggs, milk, and hay. Once they finished their tour of the farm and hayloft, they "sold" their goods to the market and earned a treat!

When we exited the barns, we heard the music of Big League floating on the wind. Panicking, we rushed to the stage to see Red Rider performing a sound check sans Tom Cochrane. It was only 6:15, and the concert was scheduled to start at 8:00. We decided to sit and reserve our seats, knowing we had almost two hours of nothingness while waiting, and also knowing it would be totally worth it. About an hour into our wait, Mom and Tristan ventured off to find deep-fried oreos (surprisingly yummy!) and an old man moved up a chair and stretched his giraffe-like legs across the grass where they had been sitting. I politely mentioned this to him, and he went ballistic. Why this shocked me I don't know--it seems any time I open my mouth someone shoves nasty down my throat. When the two hunters returned, Montana and I moved over enough to make room, and ended up with an awesome view of the stage.

Tom Cochrane did not disappoint. He was amazing, as always, and this was the closest I've ever been to his stage--I had seen him 5 times before this concert. Yes I have met him, and yes he had his arm around me, but I'd never been so close to him while he was singing. It was fantastic!

The concert ended at 9:30, so we headed back to the rides; we expected the park to close at 11:00, and planned to stay until then. I promised Montana we would go back on The Music Express, so we stood in the line, which was long as always. Once it was our turn, the worker claimed he couldn't see Montana's hand stamp and told us we had to go to the main gate and have her re-stamped. I was livid! The park was to close in 20 minutes, and he was turning my 7-year-old away like some scamming teenager! We made the trek to the front of the park and back within ten minutes, and I went to the front of the line to ask if we had to wait yet again, after all that. He said no, but then forgot about us! It was a lovely woman standing in line who brought it to the worker's attention and got us on the ride!

We went on a few more rides, and the park ended up staying open until midnight! We didn't get home until almost 2:00 AM, but it was well worth it. The kids had a wonderful time despite the few negative points, and I will never forget the concert! Hooray for the PNE!

Here is the video for my favorite Tom Cochrane song, the one that had me running around collecting all his albums, and eventually pushed me into the tattoo parlor to have Ragged Ass Road inked onto my back: I Wish You Well.

Quel jour mauvais

Well, it is Monday. For the past 4 months, however, Friday has been the dreaded day of the week in my life. It feels like this week is going to be bad throughout.

A friend of mine invited me on a road trip this coming long weekend, and she is traveling close to where an old friend of mine lives, one that I fell in love with as a teenager and never fell out of for over a decade. I haven't seen him in several years, but we have spoken and there is a bit of history there. I asked him if I could stay with him, and he was all for it. Unfortunately I have to find my own way for the last 90 minutes of the trip, and he won't pick me up. I am heartbroken, yet again, and he doesn't care. I am finished--I don't know how, but I'll have to figure it out somehow.

Aside from that, it has been one of those days where everything seems to get on my nerves. The kids were at each other's throats all morning, this is my first day off, the dog won't listen. Every little thing is stressing me out, and it's only 4:00.

On a good note, tomorrow we are going to the PNE. There is a huge amusement park, food stands, dog shows, monster trucks, and concerts. The reason we are going tomorrow is because Tom Cochrane is the artist playing. This will be my sixth time seeing him in concert, so I am happy about that!! The kids will have a great time as well, this will be their 3rd TC concert. Not to mention all the rides and games! It is an all day event for us, we really enjoy it.

For the rest of the day I will be focusing on the fun we will have tomorrow, and try to forget the negatives of today. Wish me luck.

Nouvelles d'Emploi

Today was my last day before my pretend lay-off. It was busy; I tried to organize as much as possible so I can catch up easily upon my return, and we had a potluck lunch. J chose not to participate in the lunch because it was her last day, but I suspect she never enjoyed participating in anything we did anyway. When her day was done, she left without a word, and took the keys with her instead of returning them to our boss. Some people wonder if she won't just show up again on Monday and act like nothing happened! L didn't show up, and his (soon to be ex-) wife said that Monday is in fact his last day. After speaking with the boss, I confirmed that today was to be my last day for sure.

I packed my things, including all my photos, and showed my coworkers. My good friend Nettie refused to believe that our boss would let me go--she was completely shocked and looked on the verge of tears. She later told my mom just how upset she was. Once we were outside the building and out of earshot, we told her that it is temporary. (I asked my boss again because I am so unsure right now, and he told me he would call me next week.)

It was difficult packing up my things, we all had a hard time with it, even though we know it's supposedly just for one or two weeks.

I am still very worried, but there isn't much I can do at this point but wait. I will be quite angry and upset if he doesn't hire me back because honesty would have allowed me to find another job more quickly.

There are rumours that L will be rehired, which floors me! If he goes back and I don't, my mother will consider quitting.

Everything is up in the air for the time being, and it is keeping me on edge. Wish me luck that it all works out!

Mon emploi

For the past 16 months I have been working in an office, as previously mentioned. My mother has worked there for over 3 years, and helped me get a job. I was hired part time, possibly temporary, as an office grunt; I cleaned up the filing cabinet and put away the piles and piles of invoices that had been sitting because no one else liked to file them away. Gradually I was given more responsibilities, more work, more money, and talk of my temp position ceased.

After I started, two other people were hired; L, who was married to someone in the office, and J, a middle-aged bipolar nightmare. Things were okay for a while, the ole "Honeymoon Phase." Our office had had a wonderful and friendly ambiance, but with L & J came tension. L liked to belittle my lovely coworker & friend, and also spent his day playing online instead of working and J liked to sit in her office and cry--she told someone that she has antidepressants, but takes them sporadically.

For a year we put up with these two Negative Nancys. It really brought us down for a while, until we reached a point where we decided that the core of our office would still enjoy our jobs, and ignore the digs and tears.

Last week, my boss told my mother some interesting information: L & J were both to be laid off as of the following Friday (tomorrow), and along with them I would also be laid off. My celebration came to a crashing halt! Thankfully, my boss also assured that my situation would be temporary; one to two weeks after the others leave he will re-hire me. He said this was to appease L & J, for reasons I cannot comprehend.

It has been six days since I found out, and with each passing day I question my boss's motives, and question his assurance that I will still have a job come September. Conveniently, he has gone away for a couple days, and I won't know until probably Monday, which will be my first day "Laid off."

Also, yesterday's horoscope read:

Someone might be working against your best interests, and this is all going on behind your back. Yikes. Therefore, if you have this vague feeling that something fishy is going on--it is.

Yay. I am confused and worried, and will update when I know more.

réuni

Time is a many splendored thing! Or is that love...or money? Anywho..I have been a member of message board Heaven (er Hell) for several years now, hopping from one Mommy's board to another. In my journeys I have met some wonderful people who live vastly different lives than I do, some in different countries even--and yet we all have one single common thread through it all: Children.

In the beginning of my parental posting I met a lovely lady named Poo Head. She and I were both night owls, and spent hours of goofy fun entertaining ourselves when all the smart mothers went to bed. We became fast friends despite the almost 5,000 kilometers between us.

Sadly, we grew apart and lost touch. It wasn't so much that we lost touch really, but simply misplaced it. Every day I thought about my Poo Head and her sweet babies, and missed her a great deal, but pride and fear of emotional pain kept me from reaching out.

Montana found a picture of a junior Poo Head a few days ago, and I remembered how wonderful it was to talk to his Momma the night I printed that picture, and it hurt so much I almost threw it out.

Last night, by some wonderful twist of fate, Poo Head reached out to me. I wasn't sure what to think of this; it had been over a year since our last contact took place. I decided to test the waters and found they were actually quite warm! Poo Head and I have been "chatting" ever since, and I could not be happier.

I sincerely hope our Internet friendship will continue forever. Friendships like ours are hard to find. Cheesy, but true, my friends.

Angelina la ballerine

Every once in a while I like to pull out old home movies, as I'm sure all parents do. I absolutely love to go back in time and see Montana's pudgy little cheeks and hear her mispronunciations. Also, seeing her playing with my little brother (who we shall call Tristan), her uncle who is only two years her senior, is quite amazing since they are now nearly eight and ten and fight over everything from grammar to cardboard. Some of my favorite phrases from this particular time period were:

"He doesn't have one beeving suit Mommy!" --Her response when I asked why Tristan didn't have a bathing suit on in the backyard pool.

"U for gaybrella!" --While reading an alphabet book.

Also, another funny from when Montana was almost three years old: She had an imaginary friend. But not just any imaginary friend; a 'lady' who liked to visit while Montana was on the toilet. Odd, yes, but my child has a very vivid imagination. One day while she was playing outside, I heard Montana yelling at someone in the backyard. We had a fully fenced area off our deck, so I was curious as to who she might be yelling at. When I went to inquire, my lovely little baby-kid told me her 'lady friend' was hitting someone, and she had to set her straight! "NO! You DON'T HIT!" I heard her say to this invisible attacker.

At the end of the tape, Montana was just over three years old, and had received a dress up kit for Christmas. She was wearing a tutu, slippers, a tiara, and a pound of plastic jewelry. She was saying "I'm a ballerina!" over and over, so Tristan, then five, said to her: "Angelina Ballerina?" from the TV show they watched. Here is the conversation that ensued:

Me: Are you Angelina Ballerina?

Montana: Yeah!

Me: She's a mouse though.

Montana: What?

Me: She's a mouse.

Montana: WHAT??!

Me: Angelina Ballerina is a mouse.

Montana: Me???!

Me: No, on TV.

Montana: What?

Me: Angelina Ballerina. She's a mouse.

Montana: (Turning to look at the television which is playing music videos and NOT Angelina Ballerina).......She's a mouse?

Me: (Addressing the video camera) My daughter is blond.

Yes, she definitely is blond. And adorable. And I would give my left pinky toe to travel back to that time and enjoy it all over again.

Chanson de la Semaine

I have fallen in love with this song. I listen to it 10 times a day. I'm slowly becoming a Taylor Swift fan--oh the horror!

I love the tune of this song, and I also really like the lyrics. The premise of the song hits close to home: A young girl in love with her friend, who is dating someone else.

Take a gander at the video: You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

Classe de 2000

Nostalgia..it got me today. Montana and I were flipping through photo albums, and one of them held pictures from my graduating year of high school. She enjoyed hearing the stories about my grad party, and loved to point out that I was dwarfed by the people in my group. "Oh I knew that was you Mommy because you are the shortest!" Thanks dearest.

I was the shortest. And you know what? I was also one of the skinniest. Is that really me? I ask myself. I hardly recognize my face in those pictures. 1 pregnancy and 45 lbs later, I finally see that I wasn't the troll I thought I was in high school. Such a waste.

OH I had such fun Grad night! I woke up early that day, at least 8 AM--on a Saturday, no less! I had to get a start on the beautifying that takes place on such a special occasion. Hair styling, eyebrow threading, make up applying, and much more. Our limo arrived in the afternoon to pick us up and take us to a park for photo ops. It was such a beautiful day! After that we headed to the hall for our dinner & dance, which lasted until midnight. We then took a rented bus to our next destination: A cruise ship with several attractions. There was a dance floor, a casino, and food! The cruise lasted 4 hours, but we weren't done there! Back to the school we went for our pancake breakfast. By this time I had been awake for 24 hours, and was still going strong!

It was fun reliving that time of my life, but it was bittersweet. Next year will be my ten year reunion!

After so much remembering, I decided to listen to the most appropriate song: Graduation by Vitamin C. This song was released in 2000, the very year I finished high school. There is so much meaning in that song for me, because I can relate to it. I used to listen to that song over and over and dance with my baby brother--pretty soon HE will be in high school!

I am now on the other side of that song, and it makes me realize so many of the lyrics hold true. I DID keep thinking things would never change. I DID keep on thinking things would always be the same! Now I wonder: Will we be friends forever?


We talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
and we would get so excited and we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

Here is the video if you would like to watch, I could not find a decent link, but here ya go: GRADUATION

"Moi et ma chaussette!"

Montana had her second dental appointment today. Well, technically it was her third, because I took her when she was a toddler, but being the horrible mother that I am, she didn't go again until she turned seven. I was unsure of coverage, and I am the queen of procrastination. Or perhaps it is my Junior Alzheimer's acting up again. Whatever the case, this was her third time seeing a dentist.

My little toothless fairy did well, although she did pick a fight with the fluoride, and lost. The poor dear gagged so much the pretty hygienist took out the trays and gave her the suction straw. Little M was in tears from the ordeal!

Once the dentist came in--who, I might add, reminds me of a dark skinned Maxwell Sheffield--we had the long-dreaded thumb talk. Dr. Sheffield has decided that if Little M cannot quit on her own, she will need a metal plate to deter her from putting her thumb against her top palate. Okay, so it has caused a noticeable gap between Montana's top and bottom teeth. Yes, it is a habit best left in babyhood and yes, it will create a buck-toothed appearance if kept up much longer. I understand, but this is my baby we're talking about here. I have always been against forcing her to quit against her will. I wanted her to make the decision on her own.

So much to my surprise, and glee, Montana announced to me upon our departure from the office that she would like to try the sock trick. (This was something suggested by the dentist that he tried with his own daughter; she wore a sock over her hand at night, and within 3 weeks had ceased sucking her thumb completely.) School will be starting in 27 days, so what better time to try it out?

I am pleased to announce that my daughter, who has been sucking her thumb for 7 years and 5 1/2 months, wore a sock to bed for the first time! I had my doubts, but after checking on her a couple times, I was pleasantly surprised to see her fast asleep, sock on hand.

It is bittersweet, I have to admit. I am immensely proud of Little M for making this mature decision on her own, but I also realize this is the beginning of the end. She is no longer a baby, which I am reminded of every day, but at night when I peered in on her, she looked like a little mullet-headed toddler sleeping in her big girl bed. A year from now, I will be grateful that she was able to quit, and as a result she will have beautiful adult teeth.

This is just Night #1 however, and I do not want to get ahead of myself! Baby steps Mama Kee!

C'est moi

Now that I have popped my blog's virginity, how about I tell you a little about myself? I am a nice Canadian girl, hence the titles en francais-- I thought I would give my entries a little something different, or should I say a little "Je ne sais quoi?"

I am a true Canadian; I love hockey, I love beer, and I love to redecorate my igloo with each spring thaw. I was born and raised here in British Columbia, but I toured a bit in Alberta-something I highly un-recommend.

I am a single parent to a darling young lady, who we shall call Montana. She is soon entering the third grade, so I'm sure you won't be surprised to read that she is a big Hannah Montana fan, which is why I think her blogspot name is appropriate. Also, my name is Mama Kee, which now makes us M & M. Teehee!

Now that Little M has insisted on being a full time elementary student, I have ventured into the world of office mundaneness. For the past year and a half, I have filed, typed, data-entered, and photocopied myself silly. It is a great place to work, and I enjoy the people I work with--for the most part, but that's another blog.

I have a wonderful (immediate) family, with whom I am very close. I am surrounded by kids, which keeps me pleasantly insane, and is also the reason I am up at 2 AM typing up my first blogs.

Oh! And I can't forget, I also have a minidog. She is a Pomeranian, and keeps me on my toes. We shall call her Pom Pom. There has been many a time I have wanted to shake her about while I do a little cheer, so this name is also fitting.

Well, I think that's me in a nutshell, my outline if you will. I will now spend the next forever of my life elaborating on each topic.

Until next time, Internet, bonsoir!

Mon "blog" premier!

Okay, I am doing it: Writing my own blog. I feel I must tell you that I created this blog some time ago, but haven't had the nerve to put words on the page.

I have struggled with the pros and cons of having a public blog. I've spoken with friends, and done some research online. I have decided that I will proceed with caution, and make the rules as I go. I have much to think about before I open my blabberhole, such as Which audience do I want to attract? How much of my life am I willing to share with Mr. and Mrs. Internet Community? What will be the basis of my blog?

In doing my online reading, I found a good list of pros and cons written by a fellow blogger. This person seems to mirror my worries: Anyone can read what you write, and sometimes your words can come back to bite you in the booty.

But I also found something else, a quote: Bloggers are people with attitude. Indeed. Thank you for that Mr. McGovern. You have convinced me. I need a blog. I rather think this will be interesting.

So, back to my original concerns:

1. Which audience do I want to attract? I don't yet have an answer for this, but I'm hoping my blog will be appropriate for both friends and family to read.

2. How much am I willing to share? I am not willing to use real names in such a public forum. From this point on, I will be known only as Mama Kee, MK, or just Kee. If you would like to create new nicknames for me, please feel free, but I ask--do not use my real name or that of my child.

3. What will be the basis of my blog? I have so many things I would like to talk about. My life is definitely the main reason I want to have a journal, so I will discuss that on a semi daily basis. I would also like to write movie reviews, maybe song reviews, etc. Of course, I will also have rants about random things. So, there is no basis per se, but that may change in the future, as I grow comfortable in this environment.

S'amuser s'il vous plait!