Solitaire

I am typing this out while sitting in my temporary bed in a cabin in the mountains. I am on night three of camping here, and it is freezing! The temperature dropped to around 5 degrees Celsius, and it is nasty outside. So here I sit, wrapped in blankets with the furnace on high, while the kids go swimming with Blanche’s daughter Chevy, and Mom visits with her best friend in the other cabin.

It hasn’t been like this the entire time we’ve been here. It was gorgeous on the drive up until we hit the mountains, and even then it was only cloudy. Yesterday was pretty nice, too. There wasn’t enough sun for my liking, but it didn’t rain, and it was hot. We went for a three hour hike, which I wanted to avoid but was guilted into—Blanche and her family make the trek every year to spread more of her dad’s ashes around his favourite spot, so I went along.

Last night we went to the famous hot springs here that we have been hearing about for years, and I thought it was nice, but I expected more. It is a group of pools: Cold-cold, Cold, Hot, and Hot-hot. I don’t know the temperatures of the cooler pools, but the Hot-hot pool was set at 43 degrees Celsius last night. I stuck my feet in that pool, the Cold pool, and the Cold-cold pool, but it was raining at that point and I just wanted to sit and relax in the Hot pool, which I believe was set at 37 degrees Celsius. I was hoping for the actual springs, but they were shut down years ago, and the pools were built. We saw the ruins of the old springs while hiking yesterday, so that was cool.

I am dealing with the emotional part of the trip better than I thought I would, but I am having a difficult time. I am in love with the baby, which I completely expected, but it makes my heart hurt. She is adorable and very happy, so we are all enjoying her, and I’m glad I got to meet her while she was still little. But in the back of my mind, there’s still a small voice reminding me that I can’t have that ever again.

Then there’s J. While we were hiking through the more difficult paths in the mountain yesterday, he carried the baby stroller, and I glanced over at him pushing the stroller with his fiancée V and her dog, and I almost lost it. It is extremely difficult seeing them together, and all I hear all day long is wedding talk. It’s more than I can bear, which is why sitting here alone is so appealing. I think I have realized something though: I am not jealous of V so much as I am jealous of the love they have. J has long forgotten me, and has found his future wife. I have nobody, and likely never will. I am over J, have been for a long time, but that doesn’t make it any easier to see him cuddled up with her. Being surrounded by the two couples here, one of which has the baby, I am very sad. I have made the decision to stay single, but sometimes I wish I had what they all seem to have. I feel pathetic; I feel like a loser. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to attend the wedding next year, but I’m hoping by then I’ll have a baby of my own or one on the way, and will be in a better place.

Speaking of babies on the way, Chevy thinks that Montana’s stepmother has another bun in the oven. She isn’t entirely sure, and I haven’t received any messages on the subject, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Everyone around me is popping them out like Orville kernels and I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs. It gets me pretty depressed.

Tomorrow we are leaving here, and I’m not sure where we’re headed. We will be leaving for home, but we may stop halfway because I am exhausted and not sure I can do that drive straight through this time. It’ll be nice to get home to the pets, but I am enjoying the little break from life up here.

Work has been stressful, my license expires in a couple days and I found out I owe a large sum of money which has to be paid before I can renew, and the kids are out of school. So the next month is up in the air as far as working goes, but I will worry about that next week.

Back to relaxing in bed alone!

Sauve-Moi

I feel like I am drowning.. drowning in stress and depression. Today was my breaking point, I almost didn't survive it.

I am in the middle part of our graduated licensing program here, which means I had my Learner's license, then passed the road test to get a New Driver's license. I have had that for five years, and it expires on my birthday, so I booked the road test to get my final license, the one I will have for life. I booked it an hour from home because all the other offices were booked up, so I hit the freeway today after work. I knew I had a couple fines from the past month because I missed my previous appointments, and had the money ready. However, I found out I owe much more than I thought; about a grand more. The insurance company is charging me for 6 months on this car, when it was dead and sitting in another town. If I want to take the road test, I need to pay the full amount. If I want to renew my current restricted license, I need to pay the full amount, and that needs to be done before July. I am absolutely screwed. I cannot pay all that, which means I will lose my license, and we will lose our car.

For the past year, we have been planning a vacation (and by "we" I mean "my mom and her friend") to Alberta, to see Mom's best friend, Blanche. I haven't been looking forward to it for a few reasons:

1. Montana's father and his family live there
2. We are going to a lake and will be stuck there with no cell or internet service for 3 days, with Blanche, her daughter who has a new baby, and her son who is recently engaged. I was in love with him and had a breakdown. So between his love, and the baby, I will be a wreck and can't talk to anyone about it.
3. We will be staying at Blanche's house for a couple days, which is where I lived when I met Montana's dad and got pregnant. It is very difficult for me to return to that place, so I will be hiding in the house.

The vacation is less than two weeks away, and we will be there for my birthday, which is when my license will expire. With the insurance debt and my loss of license, we aren't sure we will be able to go for as long, if at all. As much as I do not want to go to Alberta, the family does, and I need to get away for a while. I will be phoning the insurance company tomorrow and reaming them out, and possibly work out a deal.

All the kittens have successfully settled into their new homes with their smitten new owners--well, all but one. I kept a baby. I knew I would from the moment the kittens were born, and the one I wanted hadn't been taken. This kitten is so much like Lightning, my childhood cat, it's eerie. Lightning was the best pet anyone could have; he was loving, intelligent, and well behaved. I was immensely close to him--he was born in my closet when I was Montana's age, and we bonded immediately. He was my baby boy. He was stolen almost a decade ago, and I have never gotten over it, it absolutely shattered me. Anyway, the new kitten looks just like Lightning, and even has the same habit he did: Biting my chin when we cuddle. I named him after Lightning, with his middle name. This poor kitten is so lovable, I couldn't be happier; however, he has been sickly. For five weeks I have been back and forth to the vet, and an eye specialist. His left eye has swollen shut, and no medicine was working, even after seeing the only eye specialist in the entire province. He was lethargic and sleepy, and in pain. It has been heartbreaking to see my baby this way, which bonded me even closer to him, and cemented my need to keep him. The last few days it seems he is healing, but I am cautiously hopeful. There is a chance the infection was caused by kitty herpes, which means he will need medication, and he has had so much already in his short life. Due to the infection, he has been wearing a cone for a month, so I will call him Coney.

The Canucks did not win the Stanley Cup, I am sad to announce. They made it all the way to game 7 of the finals, against Boston, and in a depressing repeat of 1994, they choked. I was heartbroken. After the loss, in honor of '94, Vancouver rioted. 50 businesses were vandalized, police cars were overturned and blown up, people were hurt, and there were countless car fires. It was awful, and was the icing on the proverbial cake. Trying to move on..

Montana is almost finished fourth grade already, her last day is next week. I am quite saddened, she is growing so fast. She is doing very well, and I am proud of her. She is growing to be a sweet, thoughtful girl, and I couldn't be happier.

Work has been one big heap of stress this week. I have been trying to make some extra money for our trip, and went in last weekend. Tomorrow will be the eighth day in a row I've worked, and I am tired. When I went last weekend, I took Montana and Coney with me because I had stopped at the vet. Montana had a mug of milk, and Coney helped himself to a couple licks. Rather than dump it down the sink, I gave him the rest, and forgot to put it in the sink before leaving. The next day, I got a stern talking-to about giving work milk to my cat, and had to buy a new carton. Meanwhile, the princess of the office screws the company left and right, but sure, I'll bring in a $2.00 carton of milk. On top of that, I have been listening to the old lady of the office talk about how I, along with another worker, have been dumping my work on other people. What she means is, I have asked a co-worker to put away some of my mail while I am on vacation. She said it is my responsibility to find someone to take over for me, or come in on weekends. Check, and check. Mind your own business old lady! Today she made another snarky comment about my filing falling behind, and I said, as politely as I could, that someone else's job has been dumped on me on top of all my own work, and I can't do it all. She acted sympathetic after that, but I ignored her. I don't need someone gossiping about me and slandering me when I'm so close to burning out.

Thankfully, this weekend I am going camping with DM and all the kids. Montana and I leave around dinnertime tomorrow, and I will be leaving all my stress behind. I need the break, and hopefully I will come back with some kind of plan for finances and the trip. Something's gotta give, I just hope it happens soon.

Chaos!

Wow. It's May! I haven't updated this in a while, and my title should say it all! This house has been nothing but chaos in weeks, I could write for hours. I will keep it short, though!

I'm sure I mentioned in one of my previous entries that Tristan's kitty Tabby was pregnant, right? One night when I was up the street at a dear friend's house, I got a call from Mom that Tabby had gone into labour. I was shocked, I wasn't expecting it for another week or so, and I asked her to call me if Tabby started pushing. I got a call almost immediately after we hung up, so Montana and I ran down the street to our home. The two-minute trip was much too long, however, and we missed baby # 1. The labour continued at such a pace, and within less than two hours we had five baby kittens: Three white ones born March 12, and two tabbies born March 13, all around midnight. Those babies just turned eight weeks old and one tabby has left us already. The time went much too fast, and I am not ready to say goodbye! The kittens were born with ringworm, which apparently had lain dormant in Tabby, and I have had to bathe them a dozen times in the last couple weeks, along with the other animals, so since the birth of these heart stealing little terrors, both Mommy and Daddy have been fixed.

About a month ago, my brother's ex girlfriend, Ink, got herself in more trouble. During the night, her previous boyfriend showed up and the two of them got in a fistfight. They each have a different story, of course, but Ink was pretty beat up. DW picked up Lil Kub in the morning to get him out of that mess, and called a social worker. She advised DW to keep Kub indefinitely, and told him she would talk to Ink herself, and get her some help for her drug addiction. I took DW to the courthouse to file for custody, and offered to help him out with taking care of Kub while DW is at school. Everything has turned into such a mess since then, the social worker has different stories each time DW talks to her--if he can even get a hold of her--and he is playing head games with Ink. I won't get into everything, there is too much, but I have started taking acid medication again to help with stress.

Yesterday was Mother's Day, which was a bright spot! Montana made me a lovely picture that says "#1 Mom" on it, I'm going to frame it. She also gave me bath stuff, a book by my favorite author, and some other little goodies. Tristan gave me a gorgeous and girly Canucks hat! Between the three of us, we gave my mom a beautiful hanging plant, some bath stuff, and assorted Canucks things. It was a nice day.

Speaking of the Canucks--they are heading into the third round of playoffs this weekend! They beat out Chicago and Nashville (the latter happened tonight), and the next round is to win the Western Conference. The winner of that (ahem, the Canucks) will go on to battle the winner of the Easter Conference for the Stanley Cup. Go Canucks Go!

I am still on my trying to conceive journey, which hasn't taken me much further but I'm sure will this month--I am very hopeful this cycle.

Work has been hectic lately, which has added to my stress. One of the girls was laid off, and I have been asked to do her work on top of my own. To do so, I need to be trained by someone I can't stand, a control freak who doesn't want to to the job but also doesn't want to relinquish the power.

We finally got a new car in March! It is a beautiful blue Cavalier, and we love it. It was in mint condition, the best car shape-wise we've ever had....until two weeks ago. While I was shopping, somebody backed into the car and busted the headlight and fender. I have to go through claims to have it fixed.

My darling friend Rose had a wonderful April as well, her baby girl KD was born! She recently moved back to town, and I am hoping to see her and meet the little angel this week, I am very excited.

A week ago the world received some startling news: Osama Bin Laden had been found and assassinated! This was a shock after a decade of searching for him, a very shocking relief for many of us. The politics of the kill has caused rifts among some of my online friends, which is disheartening, but overall it is very good news for North America. 9~11 is not something I will ever forget, and I explained what it was to Montana once we heard of Bin Laden's death. She had no idea what it was, and I don't think she grasped the intensity of it, which is a blessing. The next few months will be a bit worrisome, and I hope there is no retaliation.

So, as you can see, it has been a hectic few weeks! For the bulk of spring this house has been filled with 8 cats, 1 dog, 3 kids, 2 adults (sometimes 3!), and a tank full of fish and frogs. I am exhausted!

Amis de L'Ecole

I felt this issue deserved its own entry, and I would like to get it all out so I can move on. Yesterday after my ultrasound at the hospital, I crossed the street to get some coffee before catching my bus home. While I was in line, I heard "Mamakee? Oh my gosh, hi! How are you?! It's so nice to see you!" I felt the blood drain from my face once I matched the voice to the moving mouth. The girl's name is Chris, and we went to high school together. We got along, she's a nice person. So why did I feel such discomfort? Chris is close with a couple other girls I knew in school, girls who broke my heart when I needed them most. Let's go back a few years.

Before I was born, my mom and dad became friends with their coworkers, who had a baby girl the year after my parents had me. By proxy, the girl and I became best friends before we were out of diapers.

Over the years, TP (fitting name as I rate her among something that goes in the toilet) and I remained close despite whatever distance there may be between us. We went to different elementary schools, had different friends. However, come summer, we were together every possible moment, riding bikes, singing to Mariah, and playing with TP's adorable little sister.

When I was in seventh grade I went to a high school orientation, where I met quiet and shy Ginger. We had a couple of the same classes together the next year, and slowly we became close friends.

A couple years later, TP's mother decided they needed a move, and after much pleading, they landed in my neighborhood, and my best friend transferred to my school. I was over the moon! Inevitably, I introduced my two favorite girls, and we became our own little circle.

Gradually, though I held fast to denial, I started to get the feeling that I was being phased out. My best friend, who I had supported and adored and helped for so many years, was not there for me when I needed her most. I was in the middle of family drama, eventually breaking free to stay with a friend, while also losing my father to cancer. She didn't see the anguish I dealt with daily, or chose to ignore it, I'll never know. When I left school to take the long trip to a home I didn't want to live in, TP and Ginger would go the opposite way, giggling in their carefree teenage worlds, making plans in which I wasn't involved.

It was an unbearable existence, made even worse by the lack of support from my two best friends. I realize now that they weren't my best friends, but at the time I was desperate to hold on to them, and jealous of the closeness they shared.

During my graduating year, the two girls replaced me with someone in TP's class, a girl named Chris. She and I didn't form a bond despite our mutual friends, but we did get along. During the winter Chris' grandparents offered up their cabin on the island for a weekend stay. It was such a blast! Just the four of us, (plus some local boys) hanging out all weekend with no distraction. We partied, got absolutely wasted, and shared secrets. Sounds cheesy, but it really lifted my spirits.

After Montana was born, the friendships dwindled even further, which is natural when one person has children and the others are single and childless. I didn't push it, but I still made an effort to keep in touch. We went out occasionally, and they would come by for birthdays and coffee.

The weekend of Montana's second birthday, I called TP to see if she had gotten the invitation in the mail, and was surprised to hear that she hadn't. We talked on the phone for two hours--heaven in my world. She said she wasn't sure if she could make it to the party, but would come by to visit soon after. That was the last time I talked to her.

The first months afterward I tried to contact TP, to no avail. Phone calls went unanswered, birthday cards and letters went unread. I asked Ginger if she'd heard from her, and if she knew why I hadn't been able to get a hold of her. She refused to get involved, shrugged off my concerns and questions. I know some people don't like to be in the middle, but I was rather hurt by her unwillingness to at least try for me. I had introduced them, after all, and I got the feeling that she was more than happy that I was out of the picture.

I tried to keep my friendship with Ginger in tact, but it grew increasingly difficult over the years. I knew she was still close with TP, and I admit my jealousy had a hand in my drifting away from her. I quit asking after my old friend, so as not to put a strain on an already suffering relationship.

Last year Ginger got married. I knew of the engagement, and had decided that the fate of our friendship rested on whether or not I was invited. Not surprisingly, I heard nothing from her. I was hurt even more than I thought possible at this point in time, and that pain grew into a tumor-like entity when I saw pictures online of the wedding, of the bridesmaids--Chris and of course, TP.

True to my word, I deleted her from my friends list, and deleted her email address. Why was I still friends with someone who was obviously so disgusted with me? For that matter, why was I ever friends with either of these childish creatures? I will never know. Ginger has not tried to contact me, which is neither a surprise nor a disappointment.

While I don't entirely regret the relationship I had with TP for those two decades, I wish the pain would cease. I wish I knew why she decided to so callously let me go without reason. Most of all, I wish I knew what was so unbearable about me that my parents, foster parents, and best friends couldn't stand the sight of me.

I realize that so many years later I have wonderfully caring friends, a great family, and a much better outlook on life, but this is a pain that isn't easily covered up, no matter how long it has been. Seven years or seven lifetimes, I still have a wound so gaping that only an explanation from TP herself could heal it. Our friendship could never be revived, but my heart still wishes for closure.

And as for Chris? Well, she just can't wait to tell TP and Ginger that she saw me.

Mars

Wow, I haven't been here in weeks! I'm sorry, self, that I haven't written in so long. So what is new?

I did not conceive mid-January like I'd hoped, which was hard to deal with, and not at all surprising. I went to see my doctor at the beginning of February, but Dr. J. was away on vacation, so I saw her replacement, a young, understanding woman. I brought up my issues, and told her I suspected PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). She came up with a list of tests for me to undergo, both blood and ultrasound. I finally got in for my ultrasound yesterday, so now I will just need to wait a few more days for my results, and go from there.

I also saw a surgeon in January, who assessed my cyst and decided I could have it removed. I was beside myself with relief and gratitude. Eleven days ago, after seven long years, I finally had this eyesore cut out of my scalp. It was a strange sensation; half my head was frozen. The doctor put in five or six stitches, and they are being removed tomorrow. It will take a while to heal, but I am a happy gal.

I'm not sure if I have ever talked about Tristan's kitty in previous blogs, so I will have to give her a name: Tabby. Not original, but this was her temporary name while she was in the shelter. She is about a year and a half old now, and we recently discovered that she is pregnant! Who is the father, you ask? Kitteh, of course. Despite our best efforts, there was a rendezvous between the babies, neither of whom is fixed because of little kitty illnesses, and we estimate she is eight weeks pregnant, due sometime in April. Of course, this is just a guess based on her last heat cycle and when Kitteh was rather amorous, so she could be due sooner or later. We are ready for the kittens either way. One week from today is Kitteh's first birthday.

During the same week as my doctor's appointment last month, Montana came down with a nasty cold. I suspected strep throat, and took her with me to my appointment. The doctor took a swab of her throat because she couldn't see anything, and sent her for x-rays to rule out pneumonia. That was Montana's first time being x-rayed, so she was pretty nervous. I didn't get a call, so she seemed to have neither illness. She and I took the week off so she could rest, and she had a fever almost the entire time.

There has been some good news and bad news for DW recently, both involving ex-girlfriends and children.

The good news is, thanks to someone's online sleuthing, we have the email address and home address of DW's ex-girlfriend Korn. When we lived in Alberta, the two of them met and started dating shortly before our move back home, and Korn decided to come with us. A few weeks after Montana was born, Korn announced her own pregnancy. She then made a similar decision, and moved home to have the baby. We kept in touch with her, and had a few visits with her and the baby, a girl, named Jupiter. The last time I saw her was when I took Montana out there for the disastrous visit with her father, when she was almost five and Jupiter was two weeks away from her fourth birthday. Soon after, Korn met someone online, and moved to New Jersey to be with him, leaving all contact we had with her behind in Alberta. It has been more than four years since we have heard anything. DW has been heartsick ever since, so finding her is a ray of hope for him. He is thinking about what to do, discussing it with a lawyer, and will hopefully figure out a way to contact his daughter, who is now eight years old and in grade three.

The bad news is, Ink seems to be into drugs again. I don't know all the details, but DW is stressed out knowing that she is being reckless when Lil Kub is in her care, and has reported her to the social worker again. I don't know what has come of that yet, if anything, but I will be calling to find out.

I'm sure there has been more going on, but I can't think of anything else worth mentioning, so I will update when I can!

Une Décennie

I have been thinking about my life a lot over the past couple weeks, and it seems that not many things have changed in the past decade.

January 2001:

• I was in a deep depression
• I had a part time dead end job that I enjoyed
  
• I wanted a baby
• I fought a never-ending war against lice
• I shared a home with my mother and baby brother

January 2011:

• I deal with depression, trying to keep it under control with medication
• I have a part time dead end job that I love
  
• I so very desperately want a baby beyond anything I've ever experienced
• I recently had to deal with lice for the first time in years
• I share a home with my mother and little brother

So what is different? The main difference is that I have a wonderful, perfect little girl--without her I would be a lost soul. I now have much better friends who offer support when I'm not sure I even deserve it. I am single. I have irregular periods. I am 50 lbs heavier. I am happier.

It amazes me that so little has changed in such a long period of time. What if everything is the same ten years from now? Will I be a 38 year old woman living with her mother and adult brother and daughter? Will I be making little to no money at a pointless job? Will I be single and depressed? I hope not. Ten years from now I would like to be at the very least on the road to becoming a nurse, happy where I live and work, with two healthy, happy children, and maybe a date here and there. I am determined to make this happen, but I thought I was determined ten years ago. I never imagined I would still be a single mother to Montana this close to 10 years old, with no other children.

I am increasingly grateful for Montana--not to say that I haven't been grateful, I am just realizing that I may not be as lucky in the future. How I got so lucky with that girl is beyond me, and it seems that it was just meant to be. I hope lightning will strike me twice.

I am having a hard time believing I conceived a decade ago--where has the time gone? I would like nothing more than to do it all over again and give Montana a sibling. I am hoping against hope that my dream will come true.

In other news, Rose found out that she is having a girl!! She is beyond ecstatic and I am too; she has wanted a girl for so long. I can't wait to see her hold her own daughter, what a crazy thought!

Happy new year everyone! Hope it's a good one.

Bonne Annee!

Wow. We are already into the second week of 2011! Hard to believe. The last couple weeks flew by, with Christmas, and New Years.

Christmas was fantastic, probably the best Christmas my family has had in years, if not ever. My brother stayed with us for the holidays with Lil Kub, which he always does, but this year he was pleasant. Usually he is cranky for one reason or another, but this year he really enjoyed himself. I think he has started to enjoy life in general more than ever because he is clean and sober, and in a state where he can provide for his child, which offers him self respect and pride. I am also very proud of him. New Years Day was the anniversary of his first day clean. Way to go D.W.!

As for the rest of us (Mom, Tristan, Montana, and myself), Christmas was the best day of the year, as always. We spent the entire day enjoying ourselves, playing games, having a big dinner, and relaxing. It is so nice to be able to do that, without having to get ready and go out to a family gathering. I much prefer our little family Christmas!

New Years Eve was also great; the four of us went up the street to a party at a close friend's house. There were other kids there, and they danced with the Wii, played music, played other video games, and just played all over the house. We adults were downstairs with our own music and friends. At midnight we all got together in front of our hosts' big movie screen and counted down the last seconds of 2010. What a great way to ring in a new year.

Now we are back to reality: Work, school, lunches, bills, homework, the list goes on. It is always a sad time of year for me, with the anniversary of my dad's death and the dreariness of winter with nothing to look forward to in the near future. However, possibly fortunately, I have my planned pregnancy to focus on. I am somewhere in the middle of my cycle, and keeping an eye out for ovulation. Hopefully I will have a brand new baby before this year is up.

Here's to a happy and healthy 2011!