Je suis si triste

When I was growing up, there were good times and there were bad times. During the bad times, there were good people and bad people. Sometimes it seemed out of balance, and the bad times and bad people surrounded me like fire. I love my family, and my parents, but it wasn't easy for them to care for me or my brother all the time. I had this friend when I was a kid, she took care of me a lot--she was a few years older than me, so she was like a big sister. I loved her. She lived with us for a while, and then I lived with her and her parents for a while. It was the most difficult year of my life--that was the year my dad died and my mom couldn't take care of me because she had her own issues (something I have long forgiven her for but is still a part of my childhood.)

When I was sixteen my friend's parents took me in, after much discussion. Her stepfather, Ken, was a bit of a jerk, but he opened his home to me, and took care of me for a year. He tried to be tough on me, but he always cut me slack, and helped me out with bus passes and anything else I needed. I remember one time we went to a 50's style restaurant, and there were car T-shirts on the wall. My favorite car was (and still is) the Camaro, and I really wanted the shirt, but I had no money. He would never buy such frivolous junk, it is a waste of money don't you know! But that man bought me the shirt, made me promise to pay him back, and then never accepted a dollar for it. I still have that T-shirt 11 years later.

When I moved back in with my mother, he was not happy. He didn't think it was a good idea, and I wasn't so sure myself. It has been more than a decade, and everything between my mother and me is wonderful--it took time, but it all worked out.

A few years ago Ken was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and was given a year to live. He got sicker and sicker, to the point where he didn't recognize his family, but he kept going. I felt awful and wanted to go see him, but it had been years, and I am no longer friends with his stepdaughter (very long story), so I felt too awkward.

I just found out that Ken died earlier today. Even though his death was very much expected, it still came as a shock and I couldn't breathe. I didn't get to say goodbye, and I can't bring myself to go to the funeral.

I have a very special place in my heart for Ken, he was my temporary father, and I will always be grateful to him for taking me in, always. I am glad he is no longer suffering.

RIP Ken
1954~2010