Regrets

Why is it that regrets come as soon as it is too late to do anything about them? Essentially this is the definition of regret, but there are some things I could fix if I so chose. However, when someone dies, along with grief comes anguish and ruefulness, neither of which can be easily placated.

When my dad died, I instantly wished I could turn back the clock and spend more time with him, even just one last visit. You would think that would have taught me something about life.

Today when I was driving home from work, it hit me like a ton of bricks that Ken is gone, and I realized I didn't tell him in all my adult life that I was grateful for his generosity. I hope that he knew how much I appreciated it, but I will never know for sure.

I don't know what I would do given another chance. I didn't have contact with Ken after I stopped talking to his stepdaughter, so likely I wouldn't pick up the phone or drop in unexpectedly. I would have sent a card I think, but what could I say?

His funeral is in 2 days, and it is being held in the funeral home where I last saw my father. I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring myself to go back to that place, and on top of that is the fact that I don't feel comfortable with the people who are going.

I have decided to send flowers in my stead, and I will send a brief note in the card. Of course, he won't know if I'm there or not, and his eyes will never rest on the words I write, but I'm hoping it will ease the grief I feel, knowing I gave myself a chance to say goodbye, and more importantly, thank you.