The discussion of "Soul mates" has come up several times in the last week, and it has had me thinking. How does one know if they have found their soul mate? Is it simply the feelings of love and commitment that lead a person to believe they are connected by destiny? I have been in love before, more than once. Commitment? Well.. I commit to my child; I commit to my computer; I commit to my dog. A man? I'm not so sure about that.
However, I met someone five years ago that stole my heart and then broke it in a million pieces. He had the same name as my father, John, and I avoided his good-looking much-sought-after little butt like the plague it was. I had been forewarned by my mother who knew I would fall for him, but unfortunately we all worked together and I had to deal with John every day. So, I averted my eyes, spoke to everyone BUT John, and basically ignored his very existence. But it seems that old wives tale of "Hard to get" is based on truth; I couldn't get rid of John. He sat with me, flirted with me, waited with me for my train, and even gave me his email address and told me to add him to messenger. Being that I hadn't been on a date since I broke up with Montana's dad four years prior, and John was the first man to show me any kind of attention, I fell hard. But it wasn't to be. John had been engaged, and although broken up, he still had feelings for his ex fiancee. Although the decision wasn't easy, he told me he wanted to try and work it out with her.
It took almost a year, but I put back the pieces of my heart, and I was able to understand why he made that decision. I forgave him (in my secret heart--we weren't in touch at that point) and realized I still had feelings for him. I wanted to find him, and see how he was, but he was hidden away somewhere.
Two weeks ago, after five long years, John showed up on Facebook as a friend suggestion. I was shocked, and sat staring at his picture for who knows how long, before I hit the "Request" button. I have been on an emotional roller coaster since that day. I can't fully describe what I have been feeling, so I won't even try. I will say, though, that I have been playing the "What If?" game with myself. What if he doesn't like me anymore? What if he finds me grossly unattractive compared to my younger, skinnier self? What if he is in love with someone, despite his single status? It's enough to make a single gal crazy.
Since requesting his Facebook friendship, John has added me and we have exchanged a couple messages. He doesn't log in to Facebook as often as I do (Is 24/7 too much?) so I have to force patience upon my nerve wracked brain.
Now that you are caught up, let me explain to you why I bring up the question of soul mates. I have always had a strong connection to John, one that I haven't felt with any of my boyfriends, including Montana's father. After I broke up with my last boyfriend, I went through the expected emotions and fears; always going to be alone, no one loves me, etc. Near the end of 2009, I got this overwhelming feeling of calm, and I felt that I would find "The One" in 2010. After that, I let go of the worry. Not many people know this about me, but I often get feelings, sort of like premonitions without the specific details. I also get dreams that warn me of tragedy, but not soon enough to change the future.
When I was waiting for John to add me on Facebook, I went back and forth thinking he wouldn't add me, or that he'd never be online to see the request. One night, I got this feeling of calm and assurance. The next morning when I signed in, I saw that he and I were now friends. He answered my message, and of course I replied. When he ignored that one, I started to panic again--this is what I do! On my way home from work a day or two later, I got the same feeling of calm. That night I saw he had sent me a message around the same time that I got my feeling.
Some people will be skeptical, I understand. But when I think of the love I had/have for John, and the feelings I am getting for him that I never experienced with another person, I think this is fate nudging me in the right direction. Unfortunately there are no guarantees, and I don't know how he feels yet. I will not rush it or scare him off, but I will stay positive. So my question is: Is John my soul mate?
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