Septième Ciel

Sigh..

These last few days have been.. wonderful. Let me preface this by saying everything has taken place on the Internet so far, which is what I have been dreaming of for several years because that is how John and I described our feelings for each other when we first met. I have so missed our MSN chats, I've never had such a connection with someone, before or since John.

Last week, as I wrote about in a previous blog, he added me to MSN and we spent hours flirting back and forth, just like old times. In our very first conversation he told me that he isn't looking for a relationship, which rendered me speechless (a first!) and after a lull he added that he wouldn't "shy away from" a relationship should it happen on its own (aah redemption.) We have spoken almost every day since then, except this one, which explains why I am blogging.

I have been keeping my mouth shut (or fingers hovering) about my feelings for him, because I do not want to set myself up for heartache. Luckily he hasn't changed, and dropped hints about getting together. When nothing came of that, he flat out asked. I was over the moon! We didn't make any definite plans because of the distance between us, but agreed that it would happen.

Yesterday he flirted up a storm with me, told me how cute I am, and that he would be..thinking of me. I felt like a teenager, although this never happened for me when I was young.

The only drawback is that my car is acting like an old lady with hot flashes, and cannot be trusted to drive so far to see John. I'm not sure what this means for us until I can find someone who will give her affordable menopause medication, but for now I am quite happy with our back and forth flirt sessions.

I keep expecting the worst to come from this, as it did a couple years ago with another man, but I'm going to keep thinking positive and see what happens!

I will be continually updating as this is the best news I've had in years, and I could not be happier!

Quelle semaine

WHERE do I start? Well, last Friday Montana and I were outside in the wonderful sun, and my clutzy little tornado of hurt was trying to move a large piece of wood, when it spun and landed on her ankle. I thought it was broken, or that the tendon was torn. (Luckily she was back to normal within a few hours.) So I carried her into the house, and while doing this, our cat, Bear, ran out the door. I'm not sure if I've mentioned our cat before, but we got her from a shelter, and she is a little escape artist. She is obsessed with being outside, and we've almost lost her because of this, so we try to keep her inside. A couple days went by, with no sign of Bear. Montana is very paranoid, and every night she cried her little eyes out because we could not find her snuggle kitty. After five days I was very worried, so I made up a poster and faxed it to the SPCA and vets, and Montana and I put it up around the block. Within two hours we got a call from a neighbor, she saw Bear outside Friday and took her in, thinking she was a stray. After two days she gave her to a friend who lives near my office. I was so relieved (although a tad perturbed that she didn't report this cat, didn't take into consideration the fact that she was well fed and may not be a stray) and picked Bear up the next day on my way home from work. Montana was over the moon when I brought her home. Six days is a long time to worry. But Bear is safe and sound and back to her grumpy old fart ways!

Amid all the cat-loss chaos, a good friend of mine told my mom and I about her cat's new kittens. One of them is very similar looking to my childhood cat, one I still miss after seven years, and he has no home as of yet. I was so scared Bear wasn't coming home, and I wanted Montana to have someone who would be here for her. I'm sure you can see where this is going...I'm getting a new cat. What is wrong with me? A couple years ago I had zero pets, and now I'll have 3 mammals and several aquatics. Add that to Tristan's pets, and we live in a zoo. The new baby is just 8 or 9 weeks old, and is coming home tonight! We are going to a house party, which is where he lives now, so he will come home with us. His name will now be Kitteh.

And now, the best and most anticipated news of all. After two excruciating weeks, I got a message from John! He gave me his IM address, so I could chat with him because he doesn't like Facebook (say what?!) Yesterday I finally caught him online, and we talked for hours, throughout the day. It was amazing! He does seem down, which makes me sad, but we hit it off like old times. We flirted back and forth, caught up slightly. He doesn't live very close right now, so I can't just hop in my car and go see him, but I can plan a date. I'm waiting for him to bring it up, which he hinted at last night, saying he would like to drink with me, but nothing specific. I was (and still am) on Cloud 9. I could not be happier! Although it is similar to a situation I was in three years ago with another man, this is MUCH more progressive, and I have hopes! He hasn't signed in at all today, so I'm a little bummed, but it's early yet. Either way, I now know that we are going to deal with this.

This has been a week of relief and new beginnings!

Bonnes Nouvelles

The past couple weeks I have been up and down, as you can tell by my recent postings. I always seem to get this way in the spring, I'm not sure why, but I become very overwhelmed with life. Add to that the anxiety I've been feeling in relation to John, and I am a volcano just degrees from complete disaster.

Thursday night I went to dinner with one of my dearest friends, Rose. We have known each other for 17 years, since we met in daycare. She is one of the sweetest people I know. We try to get together as often as possible, she is getting married in a couple weeks. (Montana is the flower girl, watch for the post in May.) So Thursday we went to my favorite restaurant to watch the Canucks' first playoff game (which they won--yay!!) The restaurant is having a raffle for every playoff game, and I decided to enter it. For some glorious unexpected reason, I won a cruise! I cannot express how much shock and excitement I felt at that moment, and still feel today. I have to find out all the details still, but I have more than a year to redeem my prize. I have decided to go to the Caribbean, something I assumed I would never experience in my entire lifetime.

This news has given me something to look forward to, and something to work for. I would like to feel good about my body while on the cruise, so I need to get myself in shape. I also need spending money, so I have to think about getting another job. Luckily I have plenty of time to work it all out.

I still have not heard from John, so I am feeling a little low, and I don't know what to do about that. So I try to keep my mind off of it best I can.

Last night a couple good friends came over and I had a blast with them, we played Partini and had lots to drink. I was so giggly before I went to bed, it was fantastic.

Hopefully this week will bring happiness and messages, I will update if anything exciting happens. Happy Monday!

Dépression

Hi, my name is MamaKee and I'm clinically depressed. This isn't news, but I haven't really gone into it with this blog. Lately I have been sinking more and more, and I am not sure why. I have great friends, a great (immediate only) family, the best child in the world, a somewhat secure job, and the sun is shining. What is wrong with me?

I hate myself. I hate the way I look, I have so many flaws I can't keep up; I hate how impulsive I am, and how I fly off the handle so quickly; I hate that I take things so personally, even when rational people tell me there could be explanations.

I try to maintain stability (not all on my own, have to give doctors and pharmaceutical companies their props), and for the most part it works. But the thing with depression is, one seemingly minuscule action can catapult me into darkness, and it is extremely difficult to claw my way back to normalcy.

Most people do not understand this, and I cannot explain it--I have tried. It is challenging to explain something when I don't fully understand it myself.

Part of the reason I am in such a funk right now is John. I have not heard from him in a week. Yes, he could be busy; he could have computer problems, or perhaps does not have internet. I am aware of the possibilities. But in my heart, I feel that if he were interested, he would find a way online. There is still a chance that he will reply, but my irrationally self-loathing head is telling me that I am not worth his time. All the people in the world can tell me HE is not worth MY time or love, but that isn't the point. The point is that all along I had this hope that he still felt something for me, and it is being crushed inside of me.

I am not ready to forget him just yet, but I am telling myself not to hope for the best anymore.

I wish I could just get through this existence to the end without wanting to destroy myself every day. I don't know why I let things get to me like I do, but no matter how much I tell myself to give up, I give myself hope. I don't want hope. I want to feel nothing. Maybe medication isn't the answer? Maybe I need to turn to alcoholism? Ha-ha, joking.. sort of.

I will be back to my normal self in a couple days time, I think I need to increase my meds. I just wanted to shed some light into the brain of a severely depressed person. This is what I deal with on a daily basis. I am a irrational, sensitive, impulsive woman. When friends unknowingly ignore me because of perfectly acceptable reasons, or say something that to every day people is a benign statement, I am ready to pick up a razor.

I am in no way trying to make people feel sorry for me, or tiptoe around my fragile ego. I love my friends for who they are, and I wouldn't change a thing. This is something I need to deal with, I just needed to get it out of my system.

Thank you if you read this, I am going to take my magic pill now.

Ma âme soeur

The discussion of "Soul mates" has come up several times in the last week, and it has had me thinking. How does one know if they have found their soul mate? Is it simply the feelings of love and commitment that lead a person to believe they are connected by destiny? I have been in love before, more than once. Commitment? Well.. I commit to my child; I commit to my computer; I commit to my dog. A man? I'm not so sure about that.

However, I met someone five years ago that stole my heart and then broke it in a million pieces. He had the same name as my father, John, and I avoided his good-looking much-sought-after little butt like the plague it was. I had been forewarned by my mother who knew I would fall for him, but unfortunately we all worked together and I had to deal with John every day. So, I averted my eyes, spoke to everyone BUT John, and basically ignored his very existence. But it seems that old wives tale of "Hard to get" is based on truth; I couldn't get rid of John. He sat with me, flirted with me, waited with me for my train, and even gave me his email address and told me to add him to messenger. Being that I hadn't been on a date since I broke up with Montana's dad four years prior, and John was the first man to show me any kind of attention, I fell hard. But it wasn't to be. John had been engaged, and although broken up, he still had feelings for his ex fiancee. Although the decision wasn't easy, he told me he wanted to try and work it out with her.

It took almost a year, but I put back the pieces of my heart, and I was able to understand why he made that decision. I forgave him (in my secret heart--we weren't in touch at that point) and realized I still had feelings for him. I wanted to find him, and see how he was, but he was hidden away somewhere.

Two weeks ago, after five long years, John showed up on Facebook as a friend suggestion. I was shocked, and sat staring at his picture for who knows how long, before I hit the "Request" button. I have been on an emotional roller coaster since that day. I can't fully describe what I have been feeling, so I won't even try. I will say, though, that I have been playing the "What If?" game with myself. What if he doesn't like me anymore? What if he finds me grossly unattractive compared to my younger, skinnier self? What if he is in love with someone, despite his single status? It's enough to make a single gal crazy.

Since requesting his Facebook friendship, John has added me and we have exchanged a couple messages. He doesn't log in to Facebook as often as I do (Is 24/7 too much?) so I have to force patience upon my nerve wracked brain.

Now that you are caught up, let me explain to you why I bring up the question of soul mates. I have always had a strong connection to John, one that I haven't felt with any of my boyfriends, including Montana's father. After I broke up with my last boyfriend, I went through the expected emotions and fears; always going to be alone, no one loves me, etc. Near the end of 2009, I got this overwhelming feeling of calm, and I felt that I would find "The One" in 2010. After that, I let go of the worry. Not many people know this about me, but I often get feelings, sort of like premonitions without the specific details. I also get dreams that warn me of tragedy, but not soon enough to change the future.

When I was waiting for John to add me on Facebook, I went back and forth thinking he wouldn't add me, or that he'd never be online to see the request. One night, I got this feeling of calm and assurance. The next morning when I signed in, I saw that he and I were now friends. He answered my message, and of course I replied. When he ignored that one, I started to panic again--this is what I do! On my way home from work a day or two later, I got the same feeling of calm. That night I saw he had sent me a message around the same time that I got my feeling.

Some people will be skeptical, I understand. But when I think of the love I had/have for John, and the feelings I am getting for him that I never experienced with another person, I think this is fate nudging me in the right direction. Unfortunately there are no guarantees, and I don't know how he feels yet. I will not rush it or scare him off, but I will stay positive. So my question is: Is John my soul mate?