Jour Un

Today went well! I was pretty nervous doing a completely different job, but I took it step by step and so far it seems to be going smoothly. I am beyond exhausted, and I'm not sure how or why I am still awake! I went to bed after blogging last night, which was close to 3 a.m., and couldn't sleep. I was hit with a massive headache which kept me up suffering. I couldn't even sit up in bed this morning without falling asleep, so the fact that I made it through the day is incredible! (At least in my head.)

The kids loved being in daycamp all day, but did not enjoy the half hour walk home, and boy did they make sure we knew it! Montana, my darling usually well behaved daughter was a complete pill tonight. She was miserable, tired, and cranky, and even cried when we played a game of cards before dinner. By bedtime she was in a much better mood.

Here is a brief (and probably dull) time line of today, and probably the next four days:

• 9:00 a.m. ~ Get up, get ready to go
• 9:30 ~ Get to daycamp by taxi (one time thing, I promise!)
• 10:00 ~ Get to work, file for an hour
• 11:30-1:30 ~ Work through all the crap on my desk
• 2:00 - 5:00 ~ Work through coworker's job
• 5:30 ~ Pick up kids at daycamp, walk half hour home
• 6:15 ~ Take the dog for a walk
• 6:45 ~ Do a load of laundry and make Montana's lunch while mom cooks dinner
• 7:00 ~ Play cards with Montana, ending with her in her room for being a crankpot
• 7:15 ~ Have a talk with Montana, try to get her out of her funk
• 7:30 ~ Dinner
• 8:00 ~ Take Montana to bed, read with her and play a bit
• 8:45 ~ More laundry
• 9:00 ~ Do some dishes, clean up from dinner
• 9:15 ~ Montana needs me to get Kitteh off her canopy, the little shit
• 9:20 ~ More laundry
• 9:30 ~ Sit and watch a bit of T.V. and finish dishes
• 10:00 ~ FINALLY sit and have a coffee, play online
• 11:00 ~ Talk to Rose on the phone for half an hour
• 12:00 ~ Blog
• 1:00 a.m. ~ Bedtime?

This is new for me. It's going to be an interesting week.

Bonne Soiree

Last night was wonderful, we all had a great time!

Previously:

I was assigned my coworker's job for the next two weeks, so starting tomorrow I am working full time. I am excited and nervous. Due to my boss' procrastination despite his "I got this" attitude, I had just a couple hours in which to learn the entire process. Last year another girl was given two full weeks to learn it, so I feel at a disadvantage--I hope I can handle it!

The day after our "siesta," Montana fell ill. I assumed it was dehydration and lack of sleep, so I gave her plenty of water, offered her Advil for her headache, which she refused, and she rode the couch for the day. That night she had a fever while she slept, so I became a little worried. In the morning she still had her headache, which was a bit concerning, so I convinced her to take the Advil. I waited a while to see if she was well enough for daycamp, and gave in to her begging to go. That day and the next she was completely wiped out after camp, and her headache didn't go away, rather it got worse and woke her up crying. On the fourth day of her headache she felt feverish, so I took her in to the clinic where I was told her temperature was 103 degrees. I was shocked, and felt bad for her. The doctor gave her a prescription after seeing her throat, which he figured was red due to strep. I kept her home for the next three days, and it was horrible seeing her suffer. She was a completely different person; very lethargic and sad.

Last night:

Once a year we go as a family to the PNE in Vancouver, which includes a fair, concerts, food stands, and much more. I have been looking forward to this for two months, when I first heard that one of my favorite bands would perform. I wasn't sure if we would make it because Montana was so sick, but after three days of antibiotics, rest, and fluids, I decided to see how she fared. We planned to go only half a day instead of a full day like we usually do.

We had a fantastic time! We saw pig races, Superdogs, and of course, Marianas Trench. The show was amazing, as expected. Montana was as happy as I to see Josh on stage!

After the concert we made our way to the rides. The kids had unlimited passes, and mom and I bought just a few tickets for ourselves so we could enjoy a couple of the rides with our kids. Montana loves the big swings, which scare the bejeezus out of me because they're high, so while I was watching her safely on the ground, a nice old man gave me 30 tickets because he was leaving. That was incredible, such a wonderful surprise.

All in all, it was a great day, and I am so glad Montana was feeling better in time.

Today we had a nice lazy day watching movies. I highly recommend The Tooth Fairy, it is even funnier than I expected!

This week will be a long one I suspect. It will be an adjustment for both myself and the kids, as they will be at daycamp until suppertime, but is their last week in camp, and then next week it's back to school! Yay!

Wish me luck!

Quel Week-end!

Let me tell you, the past week has been rather eventful, and by "eventful" I mean stressful. After my disappointing doctor's appointment last Wednesday, I started planning for the weekend: A relaxing night with DM, followed by a fun Saturday at the lake with her family, and then a possible Sunday beach trip with my own.

Friday evening Montana and I packed up the car and hit the road. Normally a trip to see DM would take 90 minutes or less. Approximately one hour into the trip my car died. Just completely died. On the freeway. I had just enough power to pull off to the side, otherwise Montana and I would be roadkill. No matter how many times I tried, the engine would not start.

I called DM and told her the situation, and turned down her offer to send her husband to rescue me, thinking the car just needed oil, water, or a rest. After half an hour, I decided to take her up on the offer. Montana and I sat in the car for over an hour altogether, with no interior lights or street lamps. Being stranded on a pitch black road on Friday the 13th was enough to have me trembling and Montana hyperventilating.

Luckily DM's husband arrived and saved us from the waking nightmare. Once we got to the house, Montana and I finally relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the night. In the morning DD (DM's husband) drove me out to the car to assess the damage. After more than an hour, I gave up and called a tow truck. DD talked a mechanic into looking at the car that day, even though it was late Saturday afternoon, and he fixed it up, blaming fuses for the issue. I picked up the car, but decided not to test it, and stayed another night at DM's. We spent some time at the lake, which was so wonderful, and played a board game into the wee hours.

Sunday afternoon was spent at the lake once again, which, again, was amazing. I could have stayed there all day! However, on the way to the lake, my car died again, and DM and I had to walk the remaining ten minutes in the scorching sun. Luckily DD had taken all the kids in their van, so they were obliviously enjoying the sand and sun.

I spent the night again, trying to decide what to do with the car, which was still sitting up the road. Monday morning I figured it wasn't worth fixing, and called a scrapper. I gave the keys and registration to DM, took the plates off, and left it sitting there.

Montana and I were dropped off at the Greyhound depot, and were told to be at the bus stop by 6:00 P.M., which gave us enough time to get some dinner. We got back in time for the bus, but unfortunately the bus did not have the same courtesy, and was an hour late. The first leg of the trip was unbearable, as the air conditioner was broken and the packed bus had to be 40 degrees. Luckily we were switched after half an hour, and the rest of the trip was glorious in comparison.

Once we arrived at the last stop, Montana and I had to catch a transit bus for the last half hour to our city. It finally came after half an hour, and we arrived home at 10:30 P.M. We were exhausted.

The next day I stayed home with the kids since I didn't have any money left to pay for daycamp after the car disaster, and had neither a car nor bus fare to get us there. Montana wasn't feeling great when she got up anyway, and after laying on the couch for half the day she threw up. This is the first time she's done that since she was real young. She never gets the flu, so I think it was due to sun stroke, and being stuck in the bus with no air. My poor baby!

While trying to deal with my sick child and boiling water for her bath, I got a call from the cops. I had called them and explained the car situation, and that a scrapper was on the way, but they had my car towed anyway. Then I got a call from the scrapper and he was a little hot under the collar having driven so far out to pick up a car that wasn't there. So now I owe the tow company, and the scrapper because of this pile of junk. Well, they can get in line.

Having all this on my mind was too much; I broke down and started bawling. DM called me at the time of my meltdown and I couldn't even talk because I was so upset. Being the angel that she is, she had some potentially fantastic news: Her friend has a car sitting in her driveway that needs to be fixed, and if/when that is done she is willing to sell it to me! That is not the best part though: She is going to take payments! I was so speechless at their caring I did not know what to say, and the thought still has me teary-eyed. This is the best news I have gotten in all of 2010. Not only will I be able to keep my job (which was hanging by a thread) but I will have a working car! Such a wonderful ending to a craptastic day.

That was yesterday. Today I stayed home again, but took the kids with me to work after supper to get some things done. My mom told me that our boss would like me to work longer hours and take over for a coworker when she takes her holidays in a couple weeks. The money would be wonderful, but it is before the kids go back to school so I don't know if we will be able to put them in daycamp. I am considering it, though.

This weekend is our big Summer Fiesta, one last shebang before fall hits and the school routine sets in. It gives me something to look forward to, and I think it will be a lot of fun. So the next two days will be filled with cleaning (oh joy) and prepping for that. Hopefully the rest of the week will be better than the beginning!

J'ai un Mal de Tête

I believe I have let my body get too stressed. There are too many hormones playing around in my body, and I'm plain wiped out.

I saw Dr. J. today, and she sent me for blood tests to check on my thyroid and hormones, and also suggested I go on birth control pills to regulate my cycle again. It's funny, I have always had an irregular cycle--which has its perks, I'm not going to lie--but after being regular for a year, my body doesn't seem to be able to handle missing a month. I took another test to confirm that I am not pregnant, and told Dr. J. of my plans to conceive. So, I should know the results of my tests in a few days.

I am exhausted now. I had a nap after work, I couldn't even do my usual after daycamp chores because I was so down. I am still tired, but I know I won't sleep tonight anyway thanks to my current bout of insomnia. Thank God for the Internet, although it does have its drawbacks: After discussing my incessant need for a pregnancy with my doctor, I went onto my Mommy Message Board and saw a lively discussion about the Duggar family and their hope for another child. People have differing opinions on this, but the fact that I have to read about someone planning their twentieth child when I'm not carrying even my second, is a bit much.

This weekend I will go spend the night with Princess Tahlula Raven Vampire Chick, A.K.A. DM, which I think will help a lot. I need to relax, have a (hundred) drink(s), and watch the kids play. I am also planning a trip to the beach, but we will see how it goes.

Aside from that I don't have much to report; the past few weeks have been dominated by my obsession, which I'm hoping will now ease a bit so I can concentrate on life.

To keep up with my quest to find super sperm, read my other blog My Hunt for a Baby Daddy. Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog.

Le Côté Plus Léger de la Vie

Hello my name is Mama Kee and I am a blogoholic. I have created yet another blog, which will focus on the happy, funny parts of life. I needed a place where I could share my sense of humor, and give me a break from the stress and seriousness that I share in this blog. If you would like to check it out, here's the link:

http://fuhtehlulz.blogspot.com/

Nouveau Blog!

For the last couple weeks, this blog has been taken over by hormones. Scary. I've decided that since I am so obsessed with pregnancy lately, and the fact that I may search for a way to conceive a new baby Kee, I should have a separate blog. That way, any readers can follow along in the progression if they wish, and this blog will once again be used for my day to day ramblings. So here you go my faithful few!

My Hunt for a Baby Daddy

This link will take you to my first entry only.

Plus Calme

What a day.

After my last blog I had to go to a friend's party, it was her daughter's first birthday. That on its own is a celebration, but this baby has had to fight to survive that first year, so it was pretty special.

Many people came, including two women I'd deleted from Facebook and no longer talk to. One of them completely avoided us altogether, which is just fine by me. The other one was civil enough to talk to me, which made me feel a bit better, but she was also making plans with my good friends, and I can see that there is a bit of a gap in my friendships with them now.

With all these adults were babies. Babies, babies everywhere. It was a true test for me, and I think I failed. It was so hard to see all these little ones around, and I just wanted to go home. I didn't though, because I'm not a child. I held the birthday girl and played with her, and there was a sweet little boy there who I had giggling to the point of hiccups. It was great, but it still made me a bit sad.

An old school mom also flew in today, and was going to come to the party around suppertime, and Montana was excited because she used to be good friends with the woman's son. I wanted to stay, because she is only here for a week, but Tristan got sick and we had to leave. He had already spent the hour at the party whining because he was bored and wanted to leave. I was quite aggravated, because I knew as soon as we got home he would bounce back, and I am tired of revolving around his and our mother's schedules. It didn't matter to them that someone was flying in from out of town, because they wanted to leave, and I'm the driver. I was ready to point out the bus stop, but it was pouring, and I don't want to make Tristan get worse if he's sick.

I was feeling rather pissy when I got home, to add to the hormonal roller coaster I'm stuck on, and it wasn't a good combination. I just wanted to crawl in bed and have a good cry. But I stuck on my fake happy face, because Montana was upset at not seeing her friend, and I didn't want her to feel that way. I promised her we would set up a play date this week at the park if it's nice, or here at my house, and I also warned Tristan he would be sacrificing video game time after daycamp because he took this away from Montana today. That may seem childish, but I am at my rope's end with his attitude. He whines and complains when we go out of the house to do anything, and ruins it for everyone else. Even if he does get his way, which is often, he finds something else to complain about.

With all these raging emotions in me, I went online to my mommy message board, an Internet addiction for me. Not a good idea. That place is already a blackhole of bad energy, and I added to it. I honestly felt like I was on the brink of a complete meltdown; one that would land me in a straitjacket.

I really do not like having zero control on my emotions.

However, it is now nearing midnight, and I am feeling much better. Still completely depressed, but calmer. We rented Diary of a Wimpy Kid, which is based on the book of the same name. I gave Tristan the book for Christmas, and he was instantly hooked, and Montana enjoyed flipping through it too. The movie was quite cute, and my baby girl cuddled with me on the couch while we watched it, so I think her energy calmed me.

Now I am back online talking to good friends, flipping through cute pictures from the party, and having a cold one. Pretty soon I'll watch It's Complicated, which I've wanted to see for a while, and hopefully laughing my ass off. I just love Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin (let's pretend he's not a headcase shall we?) and I'm dying to hear Alec say "Oh em gee.."

So that is my night, better than the afternoon was. Bon Soir!

Sentiments Contradictoires

Yesterday was a write off for me. My emotions took over, yet again, and I couldn't keep the tears in my head to save my life. If it weren't for the negative test results, I would swear it's pregnancy. So I have decided to go to the doctor as soon as I can, and figure out just what is wrong with me.

The reason for this blog, though, is what happened at midnight: Rose called me to announce her pregnancy. I had known she had planned on going to the doctor yesterday, but because she didn't call or text earlier, I assumed she couldn't make it. The phone call could not have come at a worse time. Had it been today, right now, I would have been able to take it better.

I am not trying to be selfish--I am over the moon exhilarated for her because she has wanted this for so long. I cannot wait to celebrate her pregnancy with her, and help her with the ups and downs, and meet her little cutie come April. I could not be happier with this news.

The emotional side of me wanted to throw up last night. I know she deserves this more than I do, but I am still jealous. I don't want it to be me who is pregnant instead of her, but rather pregnant with her.

Last year when Rose told me she wanted to start trying, I told her I would try also, and we could be pregnant together. I was half-joking, of course, seeing as I've been single for a year. I did want to go through it with her though. So now that she IS pregnant, and I had a scare which made me want to be pregnant, I'm at a loss. Something isn't right here.

I am trying to convince myself I don't really want it. I've been thinking about when Rose's child (and my theoretical child) would start school--six years from now. Montana will be going into grade 10 when those children would be going into Kindergarten. That isn't something I planned on. So I have been focusing on that all night and day as a means to turn off this biological clock.

So far it isn't working.

Congratulations Rose, this is the most exciting news of 2010! I love you! <3

Triste de Nouveau

Just when I thought I was almost back to normal, I crash again. I caved and took another pregnancy test, because my body is still on the crazy train, and again it was negative. Not a surprise. The rational side of me is screaming "LET IT GO!" but the physical and emotional sides of me are telling me something is off.

I looked at my baby girl and was grateful to have her, so I went to kiss her, and she scratched me. She was just play fighting, to stop my icky kisses, but she drew blood, and with that: tears. She kissed me better, and didn't notice my sad face. I then went to the bathroom and cried for ten minutes. Why? I don't know. I feel so down and just don't know how to bring myself back up. I love Montana more than I could ever explain, and I would die without her--literally. But to have her scratch me when I am so vulnerable just reminded me that she is growing up, and it made me feel unwanted when I needed the exact opposite from her. She does not know this, of course, and never will. This is all just inside me and I need to deal with it. I just don't know how.

Obviously I need to make an appointment with my doctor. Being that it is Friday night, it will have to wait until after the weekend. Something is not right with me, and I need help. I am so emotional right now that I feel how I did before I was diagnosed with depression. It is possible that the medication isn't working for me anymore, which is a scary thought for me. I believe it is entirely hormonal though, and I may need to go on some birth control to regulate everything, also something I do not want to do.

Friday nights should not be spent this way--with frequent trips to the bathroom to grab Kleenex. It seems no matter what I do, I'm not happy. Something is really wrong with me.

Bons Amis

Good friends are hard to come by. Oh so true.

In the past few years I have met a lot of people. Most of them are great, some are amazing, and some are undefined. I try to offer support to anyone who needs it, especially people I care about.

Sometimes I need support myself, which I'm sure has been evident in the previous weeks if you have read my blog, so I turn to my friends. Some, like Rose and DM, are extremely understanding. Others, not so much. One particular person comes to mind; I will call her Buffy--thanks to DM for that suggestion!

My first impression of Buffy was less than, well, impressive, but I gave her a chance, and through the Internet we became fairly close. Not close enough that I would tell her everything, but close enough that we talk on a semi-daily basis. She always offers Internet "hugs" and "I Love You"'s, but that's where it ends.

Over the past six months, Buffy's marriage has been rocky, and I am the person she runs to. I always talk to her as long as she needs, and I make her feel better as best I can. She can talk endlessly about her problems, and I don't stop her, because I know how much better a person can feel after talking it all out.

I usually keep my darkest feelings from her, because I know she won't take them seriously or give me the support I need. However, I naively thought that this particular problem would be best solved with more opinions, or possibly a blind date. I told her how desperately I wanted to be pregnant, and how deep my depression has been lately. What I got in return was "Aw hugs," and a subject change to something trivial she's been dealing with.

What kind of friendship is this? She acted like I told her my light burnt out. Normally I can deal with her lack of compassion because I expect it, but right now I need all the support I can get.

I am doing better than I was a few days ago, but having Buffy pop up on my screen to tell me how angry she was because someone called her at 11:00 PM makes me realize how little she respects me and my feelings.

Thankfully, minutes before this important phone-call discussion, DM told me any child would be lucky to have me as a mother. That more than makes up for fair weather friends and their "hugs." <3 I am a lucky girl.

Pitié

I just got home from the bar, and decided to blog before bed. This makes three blogs in less than 24 hours--I'm on a roll!

My friend Sq sent me a message last night telling me she was going to the bar and would like me to join her and her friend. She also said she was planning to dress "Slutty," and requested I do the same. I don't dress slutty, I don't believe anyone needs to see what my mama gave me.

However, after talking to Ink, I decided--just this once!--to let loose and have some fun. This kind of fell in with my recent plans, so my arm wasn't too twisted. As an added bit of spontaneity, I invited Ink. Hard to believe, but why not.

I was only at the bar for a couple hours, but it was fun to be free from my self induced funk, and free from my shyness.

Sq was quite smitten with my outfit, but sadly it had little effect on the desired gender. Ink was hit on several times, which made me feel worse about myself.

This is not unusual for me-- a feeling of depression after a night of fun. No matter how much fun I have, or what I wear, or how I project myself, I come home feeling the same--I am still single, always will be. Which is fine as a lifestyle, no complaints, but it would be nice to feel like someone is interested in me. Rather hard to have a baby on my own.

Please excuse the pity party, needed to get that out. Better get used to it, this is my life, bloggy style. I just wish I knew why.