Sentiments Contradictoires

Yesterday was a write off for me. My emotions took over, yet again, and I couldn't keep the tears in my head to save my life. If it weren't for the negative test results, I would swear it's pregnancy. So I have decided to go to the doctor as soon as I can, and figure out just what is wrong with me.

The reason for this blog, though, is what happened at midnight: Rose called me to announce her pregnancy. I had known she had planned on going to the doctor yesterday, but because she didn't call or text earlier, I assumed she couldn't make it. The phone call could not have come at a worse time. Had it been today, right now, I would have been able to take it better.

I am not trying to be selfish--I am over the moon exhilarated for her because she has wanted this for so long. I cannot wait to celebrate her pregnancy with her, and help her with the ups and downs, and meet her little cutie come April. I could not be happier with this news.

The emotional side of me wanted to throw up last night. I know she deserves this more than I do, but I am still jealous. I don't want it to be me who is pregnant instead of her, but rather pregnant with her.

Last year when Rose told me she wanted to start trying, I told her I would try also, and we could be pregnant together. I was half-joking, of course, seeing as I've been single for a year. I did want to go through it with her though. So now that she IS pregnant, and I had a scare which made me want to be pregnant, I'm at a loss. Something isn't right here.

I am trying to convince myself I don't really want it. I've been thinking about when Rose's child (and my theoretical child) would start school--six years from now. Montana will be going into grade 10 when those children would be going into Kindergarten. That isn't something I planned on. So I have been focusing on that all night and day as a means to turn off this biological clock.

So far it isn't working.

Congratulations Rose, this is the most exciting news of 2010! I love you! <3