Dépression

Hi, my name is MamaKee and I'm clinically depressed. This isn't news, but I haven't really gone into it with this blog. Lately I have been sinking more and more, and I am not sure why. I have great friends, a great (immediate only) family, the best child in the world, a somewhat secure job, and the sun is shining. What is wrong with me?

I hate myself. I hate the way I look, I have so many flaws I can't keep up; I hate how impulsive I am, and how I fly off the handle so quickly; I hate that I take things so personally, even when rational people tell me there could be explanations.

I try to maintain stability (not all on my own, have to give doctors and pharmaceutical companies their props), and for the most part it works. But the thing with depression is, one seemingly minuscule action can catapult me into darkness, and it is extremely difficult to claw my way back to normalcy.

Most people do not understand this, and I cannot explain it--I have tried. It is challenging to explain something when I don't fully understand it myself.

Part of the reason I am in such a funk right now is John. I have not heard from him in a week. Yes, he could be busy; he could have computer problems, or perhaps does not have internet. I am aware of the possibilities. But in my heart, I feel that if he were interested, he would find a way online. There is still a chance that he will reply, but my irrationally self-loathing head is telling me that I am not worth his time. All the people in the world can tell me HE is not worth MY time or love, but that isn't the point. The point is that all along I had this hope that he still felt something for me, and it is being crushed inside of me.

I am not ready to forget him just yet, but I am telling myself not to hope for the best anymore.

I wish I could just get through this existence to the end without wanting to destroy myself every day. I don't know why I let things get to me like I do, but no matter how much I tell myself to give up, I give myself hope. I don't want hope. I want to feel nothing. Maybe medication isn't the answer? Maybe I need to turn to alcoholism? Ha-ha, joking.. sort of.

I will be back to my normal self in a couple days time, I think I need to increase my meds. I just wanted to shed some light into the brain of a severely depressed person. This is what I deal with on a daily basis. I am a irrational, sensitive, impulsive woman. When friends unknowingly ignore me because of perfectly acceptable reasons, or say something that to every day people is a benign statement, I am ready to pick up a razor.

I am in no way trying to make people feel sorry for me, or tiptoe around my fragile ego. I love my friends for who they are, and I wouldn't change a thing. This is something I need to deal with, I just needed to get it out of my system.

Thank you if you read this, I am going to take my magic pill now.