Triste de Nouveau

Just when I thought I was almost back to normal, I crash again. I caved and took another pregnancy test, because my body is still on the crazy train, and again it was negative. Not a surprise. The rational side of me is screaming "LET IT GO!" but the physical and emotional sides of me are telling me something is off.

I looked at my baby girl and was grateful to have her, so I went to kiss her, and she scratched me. She was just play fighting, to stop my icky kisses, but she drew blood, and with that: tears. She kissed me better, and didn't notice my sad face. I then went to the bathroom and cried for ten minutes. Why? I don't know. I feel so down and just don't know how to bring myself back up. I love Montana more than I could ever explain, and I would die without her--literally. But to have her scratch me when I am so vulnerable just reminded me that she is growing up, and it made me feel unwanted when I needed the exact opposite from her. She does not know this, of course, and never will. This is all just inside me and I need to deal with it. I just don't know how.

Obviously I need to make an appointment with my doctor. Being that it is Friday night, it will have to wait until after the weekend. Something is not right with me, and I need help. I am so emotional right now that I feel how I did before I was diagnosed with depression. It is possible that the medication isn't working for me anymore, which is a scary thought for me. I believe it is entirely hormonal though, and I may need to go on some birth control to regulate everything, also something I do not want to do.

Friday nights should not be spent this way--with frequent trips to the bathroom to grab Kleenex. It seems no matter what I do, I'm not happy. Something is really wrong with me.