Mon Pere

It has been 12 years since my dad passed away. It is hard to believe that I haven't seen him for over a decade. While it doesn't hurt as much as it did when he died, it is still hard to think about. I try not to, because otherwise I won't be able to function.

I think about him all the time, though. Yesterday when we looked through our stockings it felt like he should have been there, even though it has been more than 15 years since we all celebrated Christmas together. Tonight when we played board games, I saw his humor coming out in my brother DW. When Montana and I watch Saturday Night Live, I remember watching it with my dad at her age. I attribute my sense of humor to him, my appreciation for comedy.

We didn't do anything special for my dad today, although it would have been nice, but I am hoping to see his sister soon, which always makes me think of him.

I wish he were still here so Montana could meet him and see what I saw in him; I feel so sad that she missed it all.

I did get a nice surprise in the mail this week, thanks to Christmas: Mom's best friend found old photos of my dad from when I was a kid, and sent them to me. I was overjoyed. I have only a few pictures, because everything he had was destroyed by a flood. I am so grateful for those few she sent, including the one of him feeding me above <3

RIP Dad, miss you every day.

Un Mois Plus Tard

To my readers: I apologize for my neglectful behavior as late, I hope I have not lost anyone with my silence! I will try to update as efficiently as possible.

We are settling nicely into our new home, and enjoying living in our old 'hood again. We have spent many nights with friends playing board games and Wii games, having parties and coffee dates, and getting our kids together for numerous playdates. It has been wonderful.

I have been actively trying to conceive with no luck so far. I seem to have encouraged ovulation, though, as I have started my period this month, which is great news and hopefully a good sign.

A couple weeks ago we had our office Christmas party, which, as always, was a huge success. We all had a great time, and Mom and I even managed to have dinner with a great friend who works out of town for us. Today we had our own little office's Christmas lunch and exchanged Secret Santa gifts--I got new Canucks slippers, so I am a happy girl!

Last weekend I threw a baby shower for Rose, and it was very emotional for two reasons: The obvious--it caused such heartache for me because I want pregnancy so much for myself; and I was so incredibly lit up to see my Rose with a baby bump. It was even more heartwarming to see her with child than it was to see her in a wedding dress. Needless to say, it was hard to keep my tears in. The shower was a huge success, and I was so happy to see her!

Mom, DW, Tristan, and Lil Kub went to my aunt's house for dinner tonight while Montana and I stayed home--my choice. Despite my aunt's attempt at a guilt trip (Look up Alzheimer's, Gramma doesn't have much time left) I declined the invitation. I am not ready to face the family. I think Montana and I will visit my Gramma next month for her birthday and see how that goes, but I do not want to see my cousins, and I'm not sure I ever will. Montana was quite upset at seeing the entire family go without us, and I felt torn, but stood my ground and kept her home with me. After a bit of pouting, we had a great evening just the two of us. We have not had this in quite some time, and it was exactly what she and I both needed. After an hour she was breaking into giggle fits and calling me "Mommy," which is rare these days, so I know I made the right decision. Also, I found out my Gramma was too sick to even be at the dinner tonight, so I didn't miss anything.

Christmas is fast approaching--2 SLEEPS!!--and I am feeling happy and grateful with my little girl, and my family. Our tree looks wonderful with presents for the kids, and seeing Lil Kub's increasing interest as the pile of gifts grows is exactly why I love this holiday. Tomorrow night we will have our traditional Christmas Eve with having dinner, setting out cookies and milk for Santa, and watching the kids open two gifts: Always pajamas, and either new blankets, or, like this year, new slippers.

The last few months have been emotional to the extreme, I have been in a bottomless depression which has taken away my desire to blog, and I have tried to stay in denial. However, I need to be conscious and enjoy my daughter and Christmas. I will deal with my troubles later, but for now it is time to just be.

Merry Christmas readers!

Innocence Perdue

I'm not sure if I mentioned a poem in the blogs I've written about Jessica, but in the months after she died, I wrote a lot about her. One thing was this poem, which won me an award in high school. I haven't seen it in years, and was so ecstatic tonight when I unpacked it.

Here it is:

Stolen Innocence

As I look into her face

I see her heart, her soul

I see the child in which

An eternal flame will glow

Lying there I want so much

To hug her and to comfort her

Tell her that it isn't real

It's just a horrible dream

Reassure her she'll wake up

And return to her freedom

But maybe it's just me

I'm trying to convince

Cause as I look into her face

I know her heart,

her soul, her innocence

They are gone forever

And no matter how I pray

How I wish or how I hope

The little girl we all love

Will never, ever wake up.

Bon Anniversaire Dad!

Today would have been my father's 70th birthday. We had dinner at my aunt's house with her and her daughter, ate his favorite cake, and played cards. It was perfect, he would have loved it. Man, I miss him. We joked about some of his favorite Saturday Night Live skits, and it reminded me of the good times I had with him.

My great-aunt is not doing well. She is in the hospital still, and they are starting to believe she won't be released. I am planning to go see her this week, just in case... man it is hard to say that, "just in case," but I know if I don't, I will regret it if "case" occurs. At this point she has not been told about my uncle, and I am hoping someone will tell her. I would hate to think she had no idea. It isn't up to me, though.

My Gramma is suffering more and more from Alzheimer's, so my family is trying to get me to talk to her. I'm not ready yet.

Mom spent half of yesterday at her brother's house, trying to sort through everything he had hoarded. She is stressed, and sad, which I cannot fault her, but she is taking it out on me, and that is unfair. I am feeling it also, but I just keep taking it from her, and I can't bring myself to be ugly to her.

Aside from all the sadness, life has been pretty good. I am loving my new house, and loving being near friends. The kids had their best friends over on Friday, which was awesome, and I had friends over last night for drinks and board games.

There is still much to do, but I am doing bit by bit, and enjoying it.

Hopefully we will get through the stress and mourning, and things will start looking up. Lord knows, we need it.

Mon Oncle

When I was a kid, my only blood uncle was my mom's brother Joe. He was almost a decade older than my mom, and had no kids of his own, so he was the typical uncle; teased DW and me incessantly, conned us into being quiet by calling it The Silent Game, normal pesky uncle behavior. After I had Montana, the teasing was reborn, and she adored him.

Nearly 30 years ago, Joe wrecked his back beyond repair--not for lack of trying though. He could no longer work, most days he was bedridden. Doctors prescribed him morphine, tylenol, anything that would give him even a temporary hiatus from the excruciating pain he experienced day in and day out. When these no longer delivered relief, he looked elsewhere, down a destructive path of illegal drugs and painkillers.

Over the years, the pain coupled with illegal substances tore away at the real Joe, leaving behind a paranoid, angry, ugly person. Every once in a while we would see glimpses of my uncle, such as when he rescued me and my Kindergartner after our first car had stranded us on the freeway. He made sure we were safe, and took care of the car for me. When he was told it was beyond repair, he bought me a new car, one in much better shape. I was ecstatic! If it hadn't been for him, we would have been in trouble.

A few months into my new ownership, the drugs took my uncle away. I started getting phone calls harrassing me about the car, claiming that the original agreement was that I would only have temporary use of the vehicle, and then he would take it back and buy me a junker. I was devastated, frustrated, and stubborn; I kept the car. After that the relationship went downhill, existing only in brief arguments over the phone, and ending in the confrontation we had a year ago when he showed up on my doorstep asking for the car, and not telling me how he attained my address.

Up to that point, my mom and I had been the only family who would still associate with Joe, due to his bilking my grandmother (his mother) out of half her money when she sold her house. He didn't seem to care that everyone had turned him away, and he was burning the only familial bridge he had left.

It has been over a year since I last spoke with Joe (I did see him once but hid) and I didn't much care.

Three days ago there was a message on my phone from my aunt, one who I haven't seen or talked to since Thanksgiving of last year due to my fight with my grandmother, so I knew something was up. My first thought, and my mom's first thought, was that something had happened to Gramma. She hasn't been doing well lately.

My mom called her sister back, to find out something that shocked us both to the core: Joe had passed away that morning. I couldn't believe it...my uncle was dead? He may not have been in the best health, but he was only 60! An autopsy was ordered, which I expected would point to drug use and the inevitable breakdown of his body, but we found out yesterday that it was actually pneumonia and a lung infection that did him in.

When my mom got off the phone, I felt nothing. Actually, that's a lie--I did feel something: relief. Knowing he could no longer harass me or scare me made me relax more than I had realized I needed to. Then my mom broke down, and that made me feel everything on top of my nothing. No matter what had happened in the last decade, Joe was her brother. Her BROTHER. He's dead. I comforted her best I could, did a midnight run to borrow money from someone so I could go to the store for phone minutes so she could talk to DW and her mother, and then went to bed.

Two days ago while I was at work the reality of it sunk in. Not only did the frightening drug user die, but so did my uncle. The uncle I had as a child, the guy who used to joke around and enjoy life when he wasn't hurting. We will never see that man again.

Right now my mom is with her sister dealing with the funeral home, and sorting out his things, and my heart hurts for her. There will be no service, Gramma's decision.

I am a flurry of emotions right now, from mourning to relief to guilt to shock to sadness. At least we know Joe can finally feel some relief..

RIP Uncle Joe
1950~2010

Mise à Jour

These past couple weeks have been busy ones for me and mine; we moved, Montana finished her ballet classes, we had her and Tristan's birthdays, and Halloween. For now, however, things are quiet. I am sitting on my couch blogging on WordPad because I have no Internet in the new house, and I'm listening to the radio because I also have no cable.

I adore my new house, it is perfect. I am sitting in my living room in the basement, with the hardwood floors and built in wooden shelves, and to my left there are beautiful green drapes which open into my cozy little bedroom. I couldn't be happier with this move.

We moved here last Friday, with the help of a couple temporary workers, my brother DW, and a good friend J. We finished by suppertime, so J brought his kids over and we all had a great night. The next night it was J's turn to play host, as he and his wife Lee had a Halloween party. I dressed up as a Catholic school girl, with my hair in pigtails and slutty makeup. It was a hit!

The next night of course was Halloween, so we met up with all our parent friends so we could trick-or-treat together. Montana was a zombie bride and Tristan was Jason from Friday the 13th. The kids had a blast, and it was nice to walk around this neighborhood with our friends.

Since then we have had playdates, coffee dates, a trip to the park, and lovely short walks to school in the morning and home in the afternoon.

There is still much to do here, but I am enjoying sorting through everything and setting up my space the way I like it.

This weekend we are hoping to have Lee and J over to play games, or maybe a couple other friends. Sunday we are going to my Auntie L's house for dinner to celebrate what would have been my dad's 70th birthday. Shocking that he would have been that old, and sad that he never got to be. We are going to pack up Rummoli and play together the way my parents used to, and my dad's parents. It'll be nice.

I believe that is my week in a nutshell!

Montana Anniversaire

My baby girl turns nine this week... NINE! I'm having a hard time with this age. I think because I planned on having another baby before she turned nine, since I was told after nine years it would be like having a first baby all over again labour-wise. Also, it means that come January it will have been ten years since I got pregnant, which is just scary to think about.

Yesterday we had a huge party, something we haven't been able to do in a few years because our houses were too small. We must have had 50 people here! It was incredible, the kids had a great time. I made a kitty litter cake, which got the desired reactions from our guests, and was delicious.

Today we will be having our family dinner, tacos as per usual. Then we'll watch The Karate Kid, a gift from me, because Montana absolutely loved the movie in theaters (and I did too!)

Also, one of her gifts from me today is to get her ears pierced, so we're going to do that this afternoon. She is very excited, and I find it bittersweet.

Here is last year's blog telling of her birth: Montana's Birth

14 Annees

It has been fourteen years since my cousin, Jessie, lost her life, and though the pain has dulled somewhat, it still breaks my heart. She would be 22 today.

Rather than repeat myself, here is the link to last year's blog: Le Fait de se Souvenir Jessie.

And a song that reminds me of Jessie; a song of loss: Gone Away by Offspring.

RIP Jessie
1988~1996

Octobre

Wow, after reading the first bit of my last entry, I am surprised at the enormous change of events and moods. Day to day life hasn't changed much; work, ballet, dishes, McDonalds, buses, swimming, lunches, the list goes on. However, a few days ago my mom found out that she may be getting a good chunk of change that she should have gotten years ago but didn't know about it until recently, and there's a possibility she could get a large sum of money. This is wonderful news! It will be enough to pay off our immediate bills, and maybe a bit of debt.

Today we got the best news of all: We are moving back to our old neighborhood, where the kids have been going to school since Kindergarten. We moved out of our townhouse in December 2006, just a couple months after Montana started school, and since then we have moved four times, this next move being our fifth. All the while we were trying to move back into the area, but there were no houses available until now. This house is perfect! It has the right amount of bedrooms, a wonderful fenced yard for PomPom to run free in, a large deck where I can supervise from, and more. The whole family has been floating on a cloud today. In two days we will go sign the papers and get to see the inside--our appointment to view it didn't work out, but we saw enough to know we wanted it. Very, very exciting.

And because good news comes in threes: Marianas Trench is going to be giving yet another free concert in less than two weeks time! They are promoting a new store during their Grand Opening, along with some other bands. This will be my third time seeing them this year. I could not be happier.

Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend, and we will be having a dinner here with DW and Little Kub, as well as DM and her family. I think it will be wonderful!

So far, October seems to be a pretty great month. I can only hope it continues--I am afraid of it falling down on me! I can't help it!

Fatigué

Another weekend has come and gone, and has left me in the deep hole of depression. It seems to be coming more often than it used to, this feeling of hopelessness, and I am quickly losing my ability to recover each time.

If I don't spend weekends doing something productive, I spend weekends crying. I try to fill my time as best I can, with parties, visiting DM, playing games with the family, and more recently having a game night with good friends. I had nothing planned Friday night, so I sat here and cried. Why? I don't know.

I feel as though I'm starting to break from reality, and it is scary. I have serious money problems; haven't been able to shower in my own home in two months or more; have no vehicle and wouldn't be able to insure one regardless; bills are piling high around me.

I feel like I am failing my child, between my constant fatigue and sadness, and lack of necessities, and she doesn't deserve it.

All I wanted to do this weekend was sleep. However, I dragged my sorry butt out of bed to take the kids to the swimming pool so that Tristan could attend his friend's birthday party and Montana and I could have some alone time. It was nice, but when we got home, I slept some more.

What kind of parent does that make me? When I postpone Rockband or Uno with Montana because I cannot deal with the conscious life?

I would never do anything to purposely ruin Montana's life, let me be clear. I know it sounds like I am sinking, which I am, and I often wish I had an "out." It would be so easy. But I cherish Montana more than I ever thought humanly possible, and the thought of missing her growing up, and moreso the thought of her growing up without me, keeps me going.

She is my lifesaver, my number one reason for taking a breath each day. I put on my smile and go about my day because I have no choice. I work, for money that doesn't help my family, I take care of the kids and pets, and I try to have a social life. In return, I get disappointment, rejection, and sorrow. I feel like I should be thankful for what I do have, but each day is a reminder of how I am failing, and how I am sinking further into this hole.

I am taking two pills a day, and I am thinking of seeing a shrink. I don't know if it will help, but I really don't know what to do anymore.

I am starting to see that this is my life; single, working mother with no hope for growth or change. I do however, have one hope: That Montana will do much better than I have, that she is happy, healthy, and oblivious to the lump of sadness that is her mother.

Je Suis un Végétarien

Correction: I am a lacto-ovo vegetarian. What this means is that I eat no meat whatsoever, from gobbling turkeys to mooing steaks to pinching crabs. I do, however, consume dairy products and eggs, providing, of course, that they are prepared and made without animal by products.

When I was 14, a friend of mine became vegetarian, and it appealed to me. I had acquired aversions to meat on my own, so I decided that I should cut it out completely. One night I was eating what had once been my favorite dinner, Shake 'n Bake chicken, and I had an epiphany: The skin on the chicken was... skin! Yes, obviously it is skin, you're thinking, but I equaled it to my skin, and that was it; I was done eating it.

I did not become vegetarian for health reasons, I simply chose the lifestyle because I couldn't bring myself to eat animals--of any kind--any longer.

Originally I cut out eggs as well, because I did not want to eat baby animals either, even if they weren't hatched/born yet. When I had Montana, I realized she couldn't tolerate the dairy in my system when I nursed her, which left me a limited menu. I began eating eggs again, after five years. I then found out that the eggs I buy are unfertilized, which cleared my conscience.

I have now been vegetarian for 13 years, almost half my life. I have cut out many foods; not just obvious meats like cow, pork, and chicken, but also jello, marshmallows, and some cheeses and yogurts, because I recently found out they have animal by products in them. It has not been easy, but it is something I firmly believe in.

The reason I am blogging about this today is because I read online that someone chooses not to eat pork but eats other meats. I hear this all the time, and it confuses me. Over the past decade plus some, when I tell someone I am vegetarian, they often assume I still eat fish, and/or chicken. I don't understand that. I decided not to eat animals anymore, and I consider fish and chicken to fall under that category.

Basically, if it has a face, poops, or has babies, I will not consume or digest it. Fish are friends, not food!

Jour Un

Today went well! I was pretty nervous doing a completely different job, but I took it step by step and so far it seems to be going smoothly. I am beyond exhausted, and I'm not sure how or why I am still awake! I went to bed after blogging last night, which was close to 3 a.m., and couldn't sleep. I was hit with a massive headache which kept me up suffering. I couldn't even sit up in bed this morning without falling asleep, so the fact that I made it through the day is incredible! (At least in my head.)

The kids loved being in daycamp all day, but did not enjoy the half hour walk home, and boy did they make sure we knew it! Montana, my darling usually well behaved daughter was a complete pill tonight. She was miserable, tired, and cranky, and even cried when we played a game of cards before dinner. By bedtime she was in a much better mood.

Here is a brief (and probably dull) time line of today, and probably the next four days:

• 9:00 a.m. ~ Get up, get ready to go
• 9:30 ~ Get to daycamp by taxi (one time thing, I promise!)
• 10:00 ~ Get to work, file for an hour
• 11:30-1:30 ~ Work through all the crap on my desk
• 2:00 - 5:00 ~ Work through coworker's job
• 5:30 ~ Pick up kids at daycamp, walk half hour home
• 6:15 ~ Take the dog for a walk
• 6:45 ~ Do a load of laundry and make Montana's lunch while mom cooks dinner
• 7:00 ~ Play cards with Montana, ending with her in her room for being a crankpot
• 7:15 ~ Have a talk with Montana, try to get her out of her funk
• 7:30 ~ Dinner
• 8:00 ~ Take Montana to bed, read with her and play a bit
• 8:45 ~ More laundry
• 9:00 ~ Do some dishes, clean up from dinner
• 9:15 ~ Montana needs me to get Kitteh off her canopy, the little shit
• 9:20 ~ More laundry
• 9:30 ~ Sit and watch a bit of T.V. and finish dishes
• 10:00 ~ FINALLY sit and have a coffee, play online
• 11:00 ~ Talk to Rose on the phone for half an hour
• 12:00 ~ Blog
• 1:00 a.m. ~ Bedtime?

This is new for me. It's going to be an interesting week.

Bonne Soiree

Last night was wonderful, we all had a great time!

Previously:

I was assigned my coworker's job for the next two weeks, so starting tomorrow I am working full time. I am excited and nervous. Due to my boss' procrastination despite his "I got this" attitude, I had just a couple hours in which to learn the entire process. Last year another girl was given two full weeks to learn it, so I feel at a disadvantage--I hope I can handle it!

The day after our "siesta," Montana fell ill. I assumed it was dehydration and lack of sleep, so I gave her plenty of water, offered her Advil for her headache, which she refused, and she rode the couch for the day. That night she had a fever while she slept, so I became a little worried. In the morning she still had her headache, which was a bit concerning, so I convinced her to take the Advil. I waited a while to see if she was well enough for daycamp, and gave in to her begging to go. That day and the next she was completely wiped out after camp, and her headache didn't go away, rather it got worse and woke her up crying. On the fourth day of her headache she felt feverish, so I took her in to the clinic where I was told her temperature was 103 degrees. I was shocked, and felt bad for her. The doctor gave her a prescription after seeing her throat, which he figured was red due to strep. I kept her home for the next three days, and it was horrible seeing her suffer. She was a completely different person; very lethargic and sad.

Last night:

Once a year we go as a family to the PNE in Vancouver, which includes a fair, concerts, food stands, and much more. I have been looking forward to this for two months, when I first heard that one of my favorite bands would perform. I wasn't sure if we would make it because Montana was so sick, but after three days of antibiotics, rest, and fluids, I decided to see how she fared. We planned to go only half a day instead of a full day like we usually do.

We had a fantastic time! We saw pig races, Superdogs, and of course, Marianas Trench. The show was amazing, as expected. Montana was as happy as I to see Josh on stage!

After the concert we made our way to the rides. The kids had unlimited passes, and mom and I bought just a few tickets for ourselves so we could enjoy a couple of the rides with our kids. Montana loves the big swings, which scare the bejeezus out of me because they're high, so while I was watching her safely on the ground, a nice old man gave me 30 tickets because he was leaving. That was incredible, such a wonderful surprise.

All in all, it was a great day, and I am so glad Montana was feeling better in time.

Today we had a nice lazy day watching movies. I highly recommend The Tooth Fairy, it is even funnier than I expected!

This week will be a long one I suspect. It will be an adjustment for both myself and the kids, as they will be at daycamp until suppertime, but is their last week in camp, and then next week it's back to school! Yay!

Wish me luck!

Quel Week-end!

Let me tell you, the past week has been rather eventful, and by "eventful" I mean stressful. After my disappointing doctor's appointment last Wednesday, I started planning for the weekend: A relaxing night with DM, followed by a fun Saturday at the lake with her family, and then a possible Sunday beach trip with my own.

Friday evening Montana and I packed up the car and hit the road. Normally a trip to see DM would take 90 minutes or less. Approximately one hour into the trip my car died. Just completely died. On the freeway. I had just enough power to pull off to the side, otherwise Montana and I would be roadkill. No matter how many times I tried, the engine would not start.

I called DM and told her the situation, and turned down her offer to send her husband to rescue me, thinking the car just needed oil, water, or a rest. After half an hour, I decided to take her up on the offer. Montana and I sat in the car for over an hour altogether, with no interior lights or street lamps. Being stranded on a pitch black road on Friday the 13th was enough to have me trembling and Montana hyperventilating.

Luckily DM's husband arrived and saved us from the waking nightmare. Once we got to the house, Montana and I finally relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the night. In the morning DD (DM's husband) drove me out to the car to assess the damage. After more than an hour, I gave up and called a tow truck. DD talked a mechanic into looking at the car that day, even though it was late Saturday afternoon, and he fixed it up, blaming fuses for the issue. I picked up the car, but decided not to test it, and stayed another night at DM's. We spent some time at the lake, which was so wonderful, and played a board game into the wee hours.

Sunday afternoon was spent at the lake once again, which, again, was amazing. I could have stayed there all day! However, on the way to the lake, my car died again, and DM and I had to walk the remaining ten minutes in the scorching sun. Luckily DD had taken all the kids in their van, so they were obliviously enjoying the sand and sun.

I spent the night again, trying to decide what to do with the car, which was still sitting up the road. Monday morning I figured it wasn't worth fixing, and called a scrapper. I gave the keys and registration to DM, took the plates off, and left it sitting there.

Montana and I were dropped off at the Greyhound depot, and were told to be at the bus stop by 6:00 P.M., which gave us enough time to get some dinner. We got back in time for the bus, but unfortunately the bus did not have the same courtesy, and was an hour late. The first leg of the trip was unbearable, as the air conditioner was broken and the packed bus had to be 40 degrees. Luckily we were switched after half an hour, and the rest of the trip was glorious in comparison.

Once we arrived at the last stop, Montana and I had to catch a transit bus for the last half hour to our city. It finally came after half an hour, and we arrived home at 10:30 P.M. We were exhausted.

The next day I stayed home with the kids since I didn't have any money left to pay for daycamp after the car disaster, and had neither a car nor bus fare to get us there. Montana wasn't feeling great when she got up anyway, and after laying on the couch for half the day she threw up. This is the first time she's done that since she was real young. She never gets the flu, so I think it was due to sun stroke, and being stuck in the bus with no air. My poor baby!

While trying to deal with my sick child and boiling water for her bath, I got a call from the cops. I had called them and explained the car situation, and that a scrapper was on the way, but they had my car towed anyway. Then I got a call from the scrapper and he was a little hot under the collar having driven so far out to pick up a car that wasn't there. So now I owe the tow company, and the scrapper because of this pile of junk. Well, they can get in line.

Having all this on my mind was too much; I broke down and started bawling. DM called me at the time of my meltdown and I couldn't even talk because I was so upset. Being the angel that she is, she had some potentially fantastic news: Her friend has a car sitting in her driveway that needs to be fixed, and if/when that is done she is willing to sell it to me! That is not the best part though: She is going to take payments! I was so speechless at their caring I did not know what to say, and the thought still has me teary-eyed. This is the best news I have gotten in all of 2010. Not only will I be able to keep my job (which was hanging by a thread) but I will have a working car! Such a wonderful ending to a craptastic day.

That was yesterday. Today I stayed home again, but took the kids with me to work after supper to get some things done. My mom told me that our boss would like me to work longer hours and take over for a coworker when she takes her holidays in a couple weeks. The money would be wonderful, but it is before the kids go back to school so I don't know if we will be able to put them in daycamp. I am considering it, though.

This weekend is our big Summer Fiesta, one last shebang before fall hits and the school routine sets in. It gives me something to look forward to, and I think it will be a lot of fun. So the next two days will be filled with cleaning (oh joy) and prepping for that. Hopefully the rest of the week will be better than the beginning!

J'ai un Mal de Tête

I believe I have let my body get too stressed. There are too many hormones playing around in my body, and I'm plain wiped out.

I saw Dr. J. today, and she sent me for blood tests to check on my thyroid and hormones, and also suggested I go on birth control pills to regulate my cycle again. It's funny, I have always had an irregular cycle--which has its perks, I'm not going to lie--but after being regular for a year, my body doesn't seem to be able to handle missing a month. I took another test to confirm that I am not pregnant, and told Dr. J. of my plans to conceive. So, I should know the results of my tests in a few days.

I am exhausted now. I had a nap after work, I couldn't even do my usual after daycamp chores because I was so down. I am still tired, but I know I won't sleep tonight anyway thanks to my current bout of insomnia. Thank God for the Internet, although it does have its drawbacks: After discussing my incessant need for a pregnancy with my doctor, I went onto my Mommy Message Board and saw a lively discussion about the Duggar family and their hope for another child. People have differing opinions on this, but the fact that I have to read about someone planning their twentieth child when I'm not carrying even my second, is a bit much.

This weekend I will go spend the night with Princess Tahlula Raven Vampire Chick, A.K.A. DM, which I think will help a lot. I need to relax, have a (hundred) drink(s), and watch the kids play. I am also planning a trip to the beach, but we will see how it goes.

Aside from that I don't have much to report; the past few weeks have been dominated by my obsession, which I'm hoping will now ease a bit so I can concentrate on life.

To keep up with my quest to find super sperm, read my other blog My Hunt for a Baby Daddy. Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog.

Le Côté Plus Léger de la Vie

Hello my name is Mama Kee and I am a blogoholic. I have created yet another blog, which will focus on the happy, funny parts of life. I needed a place where I could share my sense of humor, and give me a break from the stress and seriousness that I share in this blog. If you would like to check it out, here's the link:

http://fuhtehlulz.blogspot.com/

Nouveau Blog!

For the last couple weeks, this blog has been taken over by hormones. Scary. I've decided that since I am so obsessed with pregnancy lately, and the fact that I may search for a way to conceive a new baby Kee, I should have a separate blog. That way, any readers can follow along in the progression if they wish, and this blog will once again be used for my day to day ramblings. So here you go my faithful few!

My Hunt for a Baby Daddy

This link will take you to my first entry only.

Plus Calme

What a day.

After my last blog I had to go to a friend's party, it was her daughter's first birthday. That on its own is a celebration, but this baby has had to fight to survive that first year, so it was pretty special.

Many people came, including two women I'd deleted from Facebook and no longer talk to. One of them completely avoided us altogether, which is just fine by me. The other one was civil enough to talk to me, which made me feel a bit better, but she was also making plans with my good friends, and I can see that there is a bit of a gap in my friendships with them now.

With all these adults were babies. Babies, babies everywhere. It was a true test for me, and I think I failed. It was so hard to see all these little ones around, and I just wanted to go home. I didn't though, because I'm not a child. I held the birthday girl and played with her, and there was a sweet little boy there who I had giggling to the point of hiccups. It was great, but it still made me a bit sad.

An old school mom also flew in today, and was going to come to the party around suppertime, and Montana was excited because she used to be good friends with the woman's son. I wanted to stay, because she is only here for a week, but Tristan got sick and we had to leave. He had already spent the hour at the party whining because he was bored and wanted to leave. I was quite aggravated, because I knew as soon as we got home he would bounce back, and I am tired of revolving around his and our mother's schedules. It didn't matter to them that someone was flying in from out of town, because they wanted to leave, and I'm the driver. I was ready to point out the bus stop, but it was pouring, and I don't want to make Tristan get worse if he's sick.

I was feeling rather pissy when I got home, to add to the hormonal roller coaster I'm stuck on, and it wasn't a good combination. I just wanted to crawl in bed and have a good cry. But I stuck on my fake happy face, because Montana was upset at not seeing her friend, and I didn't want her to feel that way. I promised her we would set up a play date this week at the park if it's nice, or here at my house, and I also warned Tristan he would be sacrificing video game time after daycamp because he took this away from Montana today. That may seem childish, but I am at my rope's end with his attitude. He whines and complains when we go out of the house to do anything, and ruins it for everyone else. Even if he does get his way, which is often, he finds something else to complain about.

With all these raging emotions in me, I went online to my mommy message board, an Internet addiction for me. Not a good idea. That place is already a blackhole of bad energy, and I added to it. I honestly felt like I was on the brink of a complete meltdown; one that would land me in a straitjacket.

I really do not like having zero control on my emotions.

However, it is now nearing midnight, and I am feeling much better. Still completely depressed, but calmer. We rented Diary of a Wimpy Kid, which is based on the book of the same name. I gave Tristan the book for Christmas, and he was instantly hooked, and Montana enjoyed flipping through it too. The movie was quite cute, and my baby girl cuddled with me on the couch while we watched it, so I think her energy calmed me.

Now I am back online talking to good friends, flipping through cute pictures from the party, and having a cold one. Pretty soon I'll watch It's Complicated, which I've wanted to see for a while, and hopefully laughing my ass off. I just love Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin (let's pretend he's not a headcase shall we?) and I'm dying to hear Alec say "Oh em gee.."

So that is my night, better than the afternoon was. Bon Soir!

Sentiments Contradictoires

Yesterday was a write off for me. My emotions took over, yet again, and I couldn't keep the tears in my head to save my life. If it weren't for the negative test results, I would swear it's pregnancy. So I have decided to go to the doctor as soon as I can, and figure out just what is wrong with me.

The reason for this blog, though, is what happened at midnight: Rose called me to announce her pregnancy. I had known she had planned on going to the doctor yesterday, but because she didn't call or text earlier, I assumed she couldn't make it. The phone call could not have come at a worse time. Had it been today, right now, I would have been able to take it better.

I am not trying to be selfish--I am over the moon exhilarated for her because she has wanted this for so long. I cannot wait to celebrate her pregnancy with her, and help her with the ups and downs, and meet her little cutie come April. I could not be happier with this news.

The emotional side of me wanted to throw up last night. I know she deserves this more than I do, but I am still jealous. I don't want it to be me who is pregnant instead of her, but rather pregnant with her.

Last year when Rose told me she wanted to start trying, I told her I would try also, and we could be pregnant together. I was half-joking, of course, seeing as I've been single for a year. I did want to go through it with her though. So now that she IS pregnant, and I had a scare which made me want to be pregnant, I'm at a loss. Something isn't right here.

I am trying to convince myself I don't really want it. I've been thinking about when Rose's child (and my theoretical child) would start school--six years from now. Montana will be going into grade 10 when those children would be going into Kindergarten. That isn't something I planned on. So I have been focusing on that all night and day as a means to turn off this biological clock.

So far it isn't working.

Congratulations Rose, this is the most exciting news of 2010! I love you! <3

Triste de Nouveau

Just when I thought I was almost back to normal, I crash again. I caved and took another pregnancy test, because my body is still on the crazy train, and again it was negative. Not a surprise. The rational side of me is screaming "LET IT GO!" but the physical and emotional sides of me are telling me something is off.

I looked at my baby girl and was grateful to have her, so I went to kiss her, and she scratched me. She was just play fighting, to stop my icky kisses, but she drew blood, and with that: tears. She kissed me better, and didn't notice my sad face. I then went to the bathroom and cried for ten minutes. Why? I don't know. I feel so down and just don't know how to bring myself back up. I love Montana more than I could ever explain, and I would die without her--literally. But to have her scratch me when I am so vulnerable just reminded me that she is growing up, and it made me feel unwanted when I needed the exact opposite from her. She does not know this, of course, and never will. This is all just inside me and I need to deal with it. I just don't know how.

Obviously I need to make an appointment with my doctor. Being that it is Friday night, it will have to wait until after the weekend. Something is not right with me, and I need help. I am so emotional right now that I feel how I did before I was diagnosed with depression. It is possible that the medication isn't working for me anymore, which is a scary thought for me. I believe it is entirely hormonal though, and I may need to go on some birth control to regulate everything, also something I do not want to do.

Friday nights should not be spent this way--with frequent trips to the bathroom to grab Kleenex. It seems no matter what I do, I'm not happy. Something is really wrong with me.

Bons Amis

Good friends are hard to come by. Oh so true.

In the past few years I have met a lot of people. Most of them are great, some are amazing, and some are undefined. I try to offer support to anyone who needs it, especially people I care about.

Sometimes I need support myself, which I'm sure has been evident in the previous weeks if you have read my blog, so I turn to my friends. Some, like Rose and DM, are extremely understanding. Others, not so much. One particular person comes to mind; I will call her Buffy--thanks to DM for that suggestion!

My first impression of Buffy was less than, well, impressive, but I gave her a chance, and through the Internet we became fairly close. Not close enough that I would tell her everything, but close enough that we talk on a semi-daily basis. She always offers Internet "hugs" and "I Love You"'s, but that's where it ends.

Over the past six months, Buffy's marriage has been rocky, and I am the person she runs to. I always talk to her as long as she needs, and I make her feel better as best I can. She can talk endlessly about her problems, and I don't stop her, because I know how much better a person can feel after talking it all out.

I usually keep my darkest feelings from her, because I know she won't take them seriously or give me the support I need. However, I naively thought that this particular problem would be best solved with more opinions, or possibly a blind date. I told her how desperately I wanted to be pregnant, and how deep my depression has been lately. What I got in return was "Aw hugs," and a subject change to something trivial she's been dealing with.

What kind of friendship is this? She acted like I told her my light burnt out. Normally I can deal with her lack of compassion because I expect it, but right now I need all the support I can get.

I am doing better than I was a few days ago, but having Buffy pop up on my screen to tell me how angry she was because someone called her at 11:00 PM makes me realize how little she respects me and my feelings.

Thankfully, minutes before this important phone-call discussion, DM told me any child would be lucky to have me as a mother. That more than makes up for fair weather friends and their "hugs." <3 I am a lucky girl.

Pitié

I just got home from the bar, and decided to blog before bed. This makes three blogs in less than 24 hours--I'm on a roll!

My friend Sq sent me a message last night telling me she was going to the bar and would like me to join her and her friend. She also said she was planning to dress "Slutty," and requested I do the same. I don't dress slutty, I don't believe anyone needs to see what my mama gave me.

However, after talking to Ink, I decided--just this once!--to let loose and have some fun. This kind of fell in with my recent plans, so my arm wasn't too twisted. As an added bit of spontaneity, I invited Ink. Hard to believe, but why not.

I was only at the bar for a couple hours, but it was fun to be free from my self induced funk, and free from my shyness.

Sq was quite smitten with my outfit, but sadly it had little effect on the desired gender. Ink was hit on several times, which made me feel worse about myself.

This is not unusual for me-- a feeling of depression after a night of fun. No matter how much fun I have, or what I wear, or how I project myself, I come home feeling the same--I am still single, always will be. Which is fine as a lifestyle, no complaints, but it would be nice to feel like someone is interested in me. Rather hard to have a baby on my own.

Please excuse the pity party, needed to get that out. Better get used to it, this is my life, bloggy style. I just wish I knew why.

Grossesse

Grossesse. Indeed. That is rather a good translation of Pregnancy, at least in my case.

This blog is to remind myself why I shouldn't ever be gross, er.. I mean.. pregnant, again, to explain to others why I haven't wanted to go through it again (until now, I suppose), and because I got the idea from a fellow blogger.

FIRST TRIMESTER

I had been dating my boyfriend, Ex-Douche, for less than two months, when I started to feel off. Nothing major, just enough to give me an inkling. One night I decided to go to the hospital (yes, the hospital, because I lived in a town too small for night time doctors) and get tested. My visitor wasn't late yet, in fact it was due the next day, but I needed the peace of mind. The doctor thought I was crazy, and rightly so since the test was negative. The next day, like clockwork, I got my period, which had become annoyingly regular in the previous six months after years of randomness. I was upset, as I am now, because I suddenly wanted a baby more than anything in the world, to the point where I became obsessed, couldn't concentrate at work, etc.

The next month rolled around, and I felt nauseous. I prayed to my Atheist space that I would miss my period. I did. After just a few days of nausea and my period being MIA, I knew. I told my mother that night that I was going for a test the next day, and she was less than impressed since I was only 18 and we were in the same financial boat we are now (less a kid). She scoffed at the fact that I was paranoid so soon after missing a period. Ex-Douche offered hopes (his own, not mine) of a phantom pregnancy. Thanks love of my life.

The next day I got my wish; I was 5-6 weeks pregnant. I could not have been happier. Mere days after finding out, my nausea turned into vicious morning sickness, which liked to strike while I was at work. Luckily I worked in a photo lab, and we had a large sink for pouring chemicals into, which doubled as a handy dandy Mommy-to-be bucket. In my seventh week I had some bleeding, which had me panicked. A quick check at the hospital told me it was perfectly fine, and not to worry. Ex-Douche wasn't concerned at all, and I'm certain he'd hoped the baby was not to be.

I was wiped out for the first months of bun baking, and had to quit one of my two jobs to accommodate.

All the hormones coursing through my barely grown body caused problems in my relationship. I won't go into the nitty gritty, but I broke up with Ex-Douche, and decided to relocate. I was homesick, and wanted family and friends around me during this important time. That decision didn't go over well with the Douches, but it was the best one I've made in my entire life.

The next month was very stressful. I was juggling work, pregnancy, packing and cleaning, and a stalker bunch of goons. I decided this was the perfect time to weaken my immune system and get sick. Not only was I sick, I was VERY sick. I had strep throat and an ear infection, and due to allergies, I could not take any antibiotic or over the counter medications. So in between packing stuff, scrubbing floors, and babysitting one-year-old Tristan, I was dry heaving in the bathroom, which burned my already scorching throat, and made my infected ear pop over and over. I really, truly, wanted to die. That was the worst two weeks of my pregnancy, no contest.

SECOND TRIMESTER

Once I was into the middle trimester, although my nausea didn't subside, my sickness decreased, which was an amazing feeling. I had my one and only ultrasound done, which brought my mom to tears, and caused fights between Ex-Douche and me. It was definitely a high light despite the stress. I wanted to know the sex, but I was told Baby Kee didn't cooperate. A week after that I moved back here, my home. I started to feel little quakes in my belly, which I soon realized were wee hiccups, and the sensation was incredible. It made it all that much more real. A favorite pastime of hers was tickling my side when I was trying to sleep, which is rather frustrating when you can't make it stop! All in all, the second trimester was good.

THIRD TRIMESTER

With the end of summer came the end of my pregnancy. The beginning of the trimester wasn't too bad, although there was a bit of cramping which, again, made me nervous, but I found out it is also normal, and so I relaxed. The last month was completely unbearable. Being just five feet tall, I didn't have much room in my belly for an ever growing baby, and she reminded me of it every waking moment. I was bedridden for the most part, except for a few walks to the mall here and there. Carrying the enormous weight was too much for my small frame, and I had a hard time sitting upright.

After nine months of nausea, illness, pain, and fatigue, I was finally at the end, and couldn't be happier. I knew labor would be scary, and likely the worst pain ever experienced, but I wanted the whole thing over.

I had underestimated just what was ahead of me. My labor was quick and painful; I'd dilated 5 centimeters at home with menstrual-like cramps, so I was halfway there when I got to the hospital. My doctor broke the bag of waters to induce labor, and it was very successful, let me tell you! Within one hour I went from 5 centimeters and cramps to almost fully dilated and unbearable contractions 2 minutes apart. The epidural I requested didn't come due to a stubborn nurse, and I spent over 2 hours pushing through excruciating burning. My baby came out head and hand first, which caused second degree tearing (yow!) and bruising on both the baby and myself. It took nearly half an hour to stitch me up, which hurt more than labor itself. I nearly died through the night from the pain, and the swelling and bruising were so bad my student nurse kept checking on it, and showing other people. Baby Montana was eight and a half pounds, two pounds more than I expected. She was a chubby little muffin, my darling daughter.

It took almost two months to heal, which consisted of a needle to fix a broken stitch. That hurt as much as the stitching, and brought all the pain and memories back. I was absolutely traumatized, I could not wipe or wash myself for three months. Too much information? Possibly, but this is the reason for being afraid of pregnancy.

TODAY

After everything I went through to have Montana, and years of dealing with the trauma, I wish to do it all over again. I never thought I would be at that place. I am still fearful of labor, but the obsession is taking me over once again.

Oh the joys of being a woman.

Cela a été Quatre Jours

...since my hormonal baby fever induced meltdown. My eyes are dry, and my uterus is empty. I feel calmer and more level in my head, but the desire hasn't waned. I have had irrational thoughts this week, thoughts that include future added responsibilities to my single parenthood, which is absolutely fine with me as this has always been my plan when it comes to subsequent children. Call me Crazy, but after the nightmare of my last pregnancy, I prefer doing it on my own. However, I am not so irresponsible as to purposely create a new life in my current financial situation. Also, I know there are things that can come with doing so with someone unfamiliar.

That being said, visions of morning sickness, doctor visits, and even labor, are occupying my every thought. This confuses me, as my previous experience with such was less than fun.

Not only that, but I also found out a couple years ago that due to my wonderfully bipolar-like hormones, I may not be able to have more children. It was because of this information, and recent body changes, that I saw symptoms where apparently there were none.

And, as my dear friend reminded me, I have a healthy, awesome child. I always told myself that would be enough, and I could channel all my sadness into making her life wonderful. Sometimes it works, because it has to. But I can't be strong all the time, I'm still a woman.

I'm hoping life will go back to business as usual, and I can once again be okay with having no more babies (or pretend to). You would think after so long it would be part of me, but life is full of little surprises. Thanks again, Life.

Horloge biologique

Just when I started to enjoy my day to day life (by that I mean the living, not the icky finances) I fall into another ditch.

Over the weekend, which was fantastic by the way! I played with a wee chubber of a baby, one of the happiest tots in the history of ever. Unfortunately I got too close to him, and he sneezed his little germs on me, and I caught baby fever. I am usually immune to this particular illness, but I suppose I may have weak spots.

Add to that the fact that Mother Nature is giving me the runaround on my friendly visitor, and sprinkling various symptoms on me, my brain shifted into overdrive. I decided to put the poor thing at ease, and sought out the answer, which as you may have guessed, is not the answer I was seeking.

Overall, in the real world, this is a good thing. I know this. The responsible (read: poor) adult in me has already made the decision to be a one-offspring woman, what with the offspring being almost my height, and trying to make a success of my life by going to school, not to mention the fact that I have a hard enough time providing for myself and the child I already have.

However, the selfish child in me is wanting to run out and grab the first fertile man I can get my needy little hands on.

I feel like my heart is breaking, and it is spilling into other aspects of my life, making me feel like an overall failure.

What is wrong with me? Why is it that a week ago I had a handle on my future, and today I'm a sad, empty uterus of a woman? Is it just my biological clock kicking into panic mode now that I am one year closer to thirty? I've had it under control for so, since I made the decision that I should not plan another child. All of a sudden, it is what I want more than anything, and I'm even convincing myself I can work school and work around pregnancy and maternity leave.

I think I need a lobotomy.

Juillet

I have been avoiding writing like the plague. So much has happened since my last entry, and I have been in self-induced denial for so long, I didn't want to come here and write out the truth. I will try to keep everything short to avoid boredom.

My last entry was written when I was in a very dark place. I was confused, and my heart was as broken as it could be. Or so I thought. A couple days after I blogged, John came online and took what was left of my heart, and put it in a garbage disposal. I don't believe I have ever been hurt that badly at the hands of a man, and for it to be this man, it made my life a living Hell. He took my insecurities and threw them in my face. He made me hate myself so much I had to remove pictures of myself from MSN and Facebook so I wouldn't see my face.

The weekend that followed I went to my favorite cheer-me-up place: DM's house. She was such a sweetheart, and ironically took me to Hell--a tourist attraction not far from her. It was wonderful. We took the kids on a tram ride down a mountain, had lunch, and bought fudge. It didn't bring me all the way out of my funk, but it was a nice escape.

A couple weeks later, I went to a house party, in the best party house ever. My friends have completely set up their basement for parties; they have a home theater, with a detachable stripper pole, and an adjacent bar complete with keg taps and televisions. I love going to their parties, and the last one I went to was in February--I may have blogged about that one, I will need to check later. I met someone at the February party, we will call him BoyToy, and we flirted all night, but nothing happened. BoyToy was at this party, and, well, let's just say I felt lightyears better than I had been!

After the party, I gradually clawed my way out of the hole I'd been kicked into. We had our big birthday blowout in June, which was a success despite some minor setbacks. DM came for the night, and mom's best friend Blanche flew out here for that week. I had a fantastic time.

Sadly, amidst all the fun and heartbreak was more drama. Montana's school put on a talent show this year, and in my naive mind I had pictured a fun performance which would include any and all children who signed up. Unfortunately, the school treated it like American Idol, and only put through the best of the best. Montana came home in tears on two separate occasions, telling me she was told that she was "not good enough." Mama bear did not like this too much, and so I made an appointment with the principal, and also bitched about it on Facebook. I spoke with both the principal and the "judges" -- the librarian and a teacher, and worked it out. A few days later I received a call while at work from the police--it seems someone I am friends with decided that I was threatening the school and certain teachers, and took it upon herself (I am assuming it was a woman) to report me to the authorities, the school, and the school board (who, by the way, wanted me banned from school grounds.)

I cannot relate just how awful I felt; awful that someone went behind my back and reported me, and awful that someone thinks I would actually cause physical harm to someone at my child's school. I still have not found out who reported me, but I have a couple ideas.

This has also caused problems with my friends. Two of my closest friends were also reported for commenting and uttering "threats." It is breaking my group apart, which I am sure was the intent. Luckily it is now summer, so we all get a break from it, and hopefully things will resemble normalcy come fall.

Aside from all the gunk, we are enjoying summer!

• I got what I wanted for my birthday: MasterPiece Theater, the newest CD from Marianas Trench.
• I went camping for the first time in over a decade, which was the first time for both Montana and Pompom. It was amazing!
• Canada Day was as great as always; we went to the park to see fireworks and bands, and to go on rides.
• The kids got to go with their daycamp and see the Stanley Cup! We have a couple great pictures of each one standing beside the Cup and an NHL player.
  

We have been suffering financially, which is really stressful but not a new feeling for us. Due to this I have been thinking a lot, and I have decided that I would like to go back to school! I went when Montana was just two years old, and although I enjoyed it, I didn't do too well. I don't think I was quite ready emotionally, and having a toddler to take care of alone takes away from study time. It has been six years since then, Montana and I have both grown, and I am ready to try again. I am at the brainstorming stage still, I have much to consider and figure out. I went to an information session last week to help me, and I have ordered my high school transcript. The next steps will be to find out which classes I need to take, and find out if I qualify for financial aid. If all goes well, I could be in school part time by September, or January at the latest. The long term goal is to become a nurse in labor and delivery! It will take years, and excessive studying, but in the end, it will be worth it. Montana is very excited, and is my biggest supporter.

I believe that is the gist of my life the past 2 months, but you could expect more blogs in the near future, now that I have gotten everything off my chest!

Thanks for reading <3

Pourquoi..

WHY.

I have so many questions. Why does my heart keep breaking? Why do I bother rebuilding it? Why do I feel like I never get a break?

All unanswerable, of course.

I feel like I'm on a continuous roller coaster; nothing seems to change as I go around and around. I get little bits of happiness, followed by quick plummets toward the ground to remind me that the highs never last.

I feel like I am standing at the entrance of the maze in Labyrinth, and the one way trail is my life. I cannot fathom making it all the way to the end, the task is unbearably overwhelming.

I am not sure what is happening with John. He seems to have lost interest, which he denies, but is obvious with his lengthening periods of silence. He is shattering me all over again, after I swore I wouldn't let him.

Last week I heard from my oldest brother, whose name is also John. I haven't spoken to him in 15 years, and have no intentions of doing so now. He sent a message to me on Facebook months ago, which I ignored, and somehow got my phone number last week and left a message. I wish he would leave me alone. His message took me back to a place in my past I have spent years trying to forget. It makes me feel ill, depressed, and scared, and also angry that he would have the nerve to contact me.

To top it all off, I found out that one of my best high school friends was to get married on the weekend, and I wasn't invited. This hurt me to no end. We have drifted, as is expected after graduation, especially when one has a child and the other doesn't, but I always thought I would be invited to celebrate the happiest day of her life. Apparently the happiest day of her life was happiest without me.

Mercifully, DM came to the rescue as she so often does. Montana and I packed up and left town for the night, and I felt all my hurt fade away the further I drove. I love relaxing and watching all the little ones play while I have Mommy time with my best friend. The next day we went on a short trip to a local tourist site. We took a tram down the mountain, ate some fudge, and took loads of pictures. It was great.

I felt so much better after the weekend, but as the week started, the stress started to build up all over again. I have not heard from John in four days, and I am ready for him to tell me he hates me so I can move on with my life.

My self worth is so close to bankrupt that I am forcing myself through the day with very little joy. My main source of joy is my daughter who deserves the absolute best, and I am failing at giving it to her. I try not to let her see that, which is becoming increasingly difficult. She is my reason for living, and I want her to know she is worth it.

This is, by far, the lowest dip on the roller coaster, and every day I hope things will start to look up. I know I will survive this depression, as I always do, thanks to the positive people in my life, but I wish the ride would level out and just go in one direction.

Celui

"The One." Usually only used to describe a true love, but I would also use this phrase on my car. I've owned several cars, all of which have been undriveable after being in my possession--usually because they are in rough shape when I buy them, and I can't afford to fix them. My Sunfire was my pride and joy. The first car I've owned that didn't have an automatic transmission, and also my second favorite model beat only by the Camaro, I fell in love from day one.

Last Friday while on my way home from work, I stopped to cash my check, and the car would not start. It took three hours, a jump start, and some tricky theft system work to get it going again. I was stressed. Luckily a good friend took the kids home with her after school and babysat while I dealt with the car. I drove it home and left it for the night.

The next day was a busy one. My friend Rose got married! We had a bit of driving to do to get to her house, but the car made it there (somewhat) okay. Once she opened the door and I saw her in the wedding gown, I lost it; cried like a baby. She was so beautiful. Her bridesmaids got Montana all dolled up in her flower girl dress and makeup, and off we went to the church. The ceremony was wonderful, and Montana did very well.

The reception was..interesting. Everything was beautiful, and I loved the toasting traditions and grand entrance. The food, well, not so much. To be fair I was warned, and we had hit the golden arches on our way to the restaurant, but I could have done without seeing some of the delicacies they served. Montana was a brave little toaster and tried some of the pork, crab, and lobster, and even enjoyed some of it! I'm so proud of her.

Sadly, once we left the party, we couldn't get the car started. We tried everything. After an hour we had a taxi called, and being so far away it cost us sixty dollars to get home. Not something we can afford. I went back the next day to try and start it (almost 90 minutes to get there) and had a coworker meet me there. She brought a friend who knows cars, and he immediately diagnosed it as needing a new head gasket, or better yet (ha!) a new engine. Fantastic. I took everything I needed out of the car and caught a ride home with my coworker. It has since been towed by the building manager, but I do not know where.

That car was the one, and I am in mourning.

Okay, enough of the depressing talk! On to better things..mainly John. We were supposed to go out on Friday night, but between my car trouble and his computer trouble, it didn't happen. I didn't know about his computer trouble, and was getting mixed feelings from him, so I was a bit of a mess. However, we chatted and texted back and forth on the weekend, so after that I felt better.

The last time I really talked to him was Sunday night, and it was the best conversation ever. I won't type it all out word for word, but I will say that he told me he wants to be with me! He wants to have an actual relationship..with me. I have never been so happy (about a guy) in my life. We still have not seen each other, but I am hoping to go see him this weekend while he's recovering from knee surgery. The best part of all from our conversation was that he told me he has "a hunch" about us. I was shocked! After thinking so much about soul-mates and premonitions, he comes along and reinforces it. I am even more sure now that we are meant to be, and that we WILL be. Now I just need to be patient until we can see each other and make it official.

The same night, my ex boyfriend was online telling me how he can't believe I'm still single, he thinks I'm "adorable," and wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. I told John that to get his reaction, and he told me to say that Yes, I am seeing someone. That sent me over the moon, felt like I was finally his.

I haven't spoken to him since then, two days ago, which still makes me paranoid and nervous even after all he has said to me. I think once I see him face to face, I will feel more secure. I will update this weekend if I do in fact get to see him. I can't wait!

Septième Ciel

Sigh..

These last few days have been.. wonderful. Let me preface this by saying everything has taken place on the Internet so far, which is what I have been dreaming of for several years because that is how John and I described our feelings for each other when we first met. I have so missed our MSN chats, I've never had such a connection with someone, before or since John.

Last week, as I wrote about in a previous blog, he added me to MSN and we spent hours flirting back and forth, just like old times. In our very first conversation he told me that he isn't looking for a relationship, which rendered me speechless (a first!) and after a lull he added that he wouldn't "shy away from" a relationship should it happen on its own (aah redemption.) We have spoken almost every day since then, except this one, which explains why I am blogging.

I have been keeping my mouth shut (or fingers hovering) about my feelings for him, because I do not want to set myself up for heartache. Luckily he hasn't changed, and dropped hints about getting together. When nothing came of that, he flat out asked. I was over the moon! We didn't make any definite plans because of the distance between us, but agreed that it would happen.

Yesterday he flirted up a storm with me, told me how cute I am, and that he would be..thinking of me. I felt like a teenager, although this never happened for me when I was young.

The only drawback is that my car is acting like an old lady with hot flashes, and cannot be trusted to drive so far to see John. I'm not sure what this means for us until I can find someone who will give her affordable menopause medication, but for now I am quite happy with our back and forth flirt sessions.

I keep expecting the worst to come from this, as it did a couple years ago with another man, but I'm going to keep thinking positive and see what happens!

I will be continually updating as this is the best news I've had in years, and I could not be happier!

Quelle semaine

WHERE do I start? Well, last Friday Montana and I were outside in the wonderful sun, and my clutzy little tornado of hurt was trying to move a large piece of wood, when it spun and landed on her ankle. I thought it was broken, or that the tendon was torn. (Luckily she was back to normal within a few hours.) So I carried her into the house, and while doing this, our cat, Bear, ran out the door. I'm not sure if I've mentioned our cat before, but we got her from a shelter, and she is a little escape artist. She is obsessed with being outside, and we've almost lost her because of this, so we try to keep her inside. A couple days went by, with no sign of Bear. Montana is very paranoid, and every night she cried her little eyes out because we could not find her snuggle kitty. After five days I was very worried, so I made up a poster and faxed it to the SPCA and vets, and Montana and I put it up around the block. Within two hours we got a call from a neighbor, she saw Bear outside Friday and took her in, thinking she was a stray. After two days she gave her to a friend who lives near my office. I was so relieved (although a tad perturbed that she didn't report this cat, didn't take into consideration the fact that she was well fed and may not be a stray) and picked Bear up the next day on my way home from work. Montana was over the moon when I brought her home. Six days is a long time to worry. But Bear is safe and sound and back to her grumpy old fart ways!

Amid all the cat-loss chaos, a good friend of mine told my mom and I about her cat's new kittens. One of them is very similar looking to my childhood cat, one I still miss after seven years, and he has no home as of yet. I was so scared Bear wasn't coming home, and I wanted Montana to have someone who would be here for her. I'm sure you can see where this is going...I'm getting a new cat. What is wrong with me? A couple years ago I had zero pets, and now I'll have 3 mammals and several aquatics. Add that to Tristan's pets, and we live in a zoo. The new baby is just 8 or 9 weeks old, and is coming home tonight! We are going to a house party, which is where he lives now, so he will come home with us. His name will now be Kitteh.

And now, the best and most anticipated news of all. After two excruciating weeks, I got a message from John! He gave me his IM address, so I could chat with him because he doesn't like Facebook (say what?!) Yesterday I finally caught him online, and we talked for hours, throughout the day. It was amazing! He does seem down, which makes me sad, but we hit it off like old times. We flirted back and forth, caught up slightly. He doesn't live very close right now, so I can't just hop in my car and go see him, but I can plan a date. I'm waiting for him to bring it up, which he hinted at last night, saying he would like to drink with me, but nothing specific. I was (and still am) on Cloud 9. I could not be happier! Although it is similar to a situation I was in three years ago with another man, this is MUCH more progressive, and I have hopes! He hasn't signed in at all today, so I'm a little bummed, but it's early yet. Either way, I now know that we are going to deal with this.

This has been a week of relief and new beginnings!

Bonnes Nouvelles

The past couple weeks I have been up and down, as you can tell by my recent postings. I always seem to get this way in the spring, I'm not sure why, but I become very overwhelmed with life. Add to that the anxiety I've been feeling in relation to John, and I am a volcano just degrees from complete disaster.

Thursday night I went to dinner with one of my dearest friends, Rose. We have known each other for 17 years, since we met in daycare. She is one of the sweetest people I know. We try to get together as often as possible, she is getting married in a couple weeks. (Montana is the flower girl, watch for the post in May.) So Thursday we went to my favorite restaurant to watch the Canucks' first playoff game (which they won--yay!!) The restaurant is having a raffle for every playoff game, and I decided to enter it. For some glorious unexpected reason, I won a cruise! I cannot express how much shock and excitement I felt at that moment, and still feel today. I have to find out all the details still, but I have more than a year to redeem my prize. I have decided to go to the Caribbean, something I assumed I would never experience in my entire lifetime.

This news has given me something to look forward to, and something to work for. I would like to feel good about my body while on the cruise, so I need to get myself in shape. I also need spending money, so I have to think about getting another job. Luckily I have plenty of time to work it all out.

I still have not heard from John, so I am feeling a little low, and I don't know what to do about that. So I try to keep my mind off of it best I can.

Last night a couple good friends came over and I had a blast with them, we played Partini and had lots to drink. I was so giggly before I went to bed, it was fantastic.

Hopefully this week will bring happiness and messages, I will update if anything exciting happens. Happy Monday!

Dépression

Hi, my name is MamaKee and I'm clinically depressed. This isn't news, but I haven't really gone into it with this blog. Lately I have been sinking more and more, and I am not sure why. I have great friends, a great (immediate only) family, the best child in the world, a somewhat secure job, and the sun is shining. What is wrong with me?

I hate myself. I hate the way I look, I have so many flaws I can't keep up; I hate how impulsive I am, and how I fly off the handle so quickly; I hate that I take things so personally, even when rational people tell me there could be explanations.

I try to maintain stability (not all on my own, have to give doctors and pharmaceutical companies their props), and for the most part it works. But the thing with depression is, one seemingly minuscule action can catapult me into darkness, and it is extremely difficult to claw my way back to normalcy.

Most people do not understand this, and I cannot explain it--I have tried. It is challenging to explain something when I don't fully understand it myself.

Part of the reason I am in such a funk right now is John. I have not heard from him in a week. Yes, he could be busy; he could have computer problems, or perhaps does not have internet. I am aware of the possibilities. But in my heart, I feel that if he were interested, he would find a way online. There is still a chance that he will reply, but my irrationally self-loathing head is telling me that I am not worth his time. All the people in the world can tell me HE is not worth MY time or love, but that isn't the point. The point is that all along I had this hope that he still felt something for me, and it is being crushed inside of me.

I am not ready to forget him just yet, but I am telling myself not to hope for the best anymore.

I wish I could just get through this existence to the end without wanting to destroy myself every day. I don't know why I let things get to me like I do, but no matter how much I tell myself to give up, I give myself hope. I don't want hope. I want to feel nothing. Maybe medication isn't the answer? Maybe I need to turn to alcoholism? Ha-ha, joking.. sort of.

I will be back to my normal self in a couple days time, I think I need to increase my meds. I just wanted to shed some light into the brain of a severely depressed person. This is what I deal with on a daily basis. I am a irrational, sensitive, impulsive woman. When friends unknowingly ignore me because of perfectly acceptable reasons, or say something that to every day people is a benign statement, I am ready to pick up a razor.

I am in no way trying to make people feel sorry for me, or tiptoe around my fragile ego. I love my friends for who they are, and I wouldn't change a thing. This is something I need to deal with, I just needed to get it out of my system.

Thank you if you read this, I am going to take my magic pill now.

Ma âme soeur

The discussion of "Soul mates" has come up several times in the last week, and it has had me thinking. How does one know if they have found their soul mate? Is it simply the feelings of love and commitment that lead a person to believe they are connected by destiny? I have been in love before, more than once. Commitment? Well.. I commit to my child; I commit to my computer; I commit to my dog. A man? I'm not so sure about that.

However, I met someone five years ago that stole my heart and then broke it in a million pieces. He had the same name as my father, John, and I avoided his good-looking much-sought-after little butt like the plague it was. I had been forewarned by my mother who knew I would fall for him, but unfortunately we all worked together and I had to deal with John every day. So, I averted my eyes, spoke to everyone BUT John, and basically ignored his very existence. But it seems that old wives tale of "Hard to get" is based on truth; I couldn't get rid of John. He sat with me, flirted with me, waited with me for my train, and even gave me his email address and told me to add him to messenger. Being that I hadn't been on a date since I broke up with Montana's dad four years prior, and John was the first man to show me any kind of attention, I fell hard. But it wasn't to be. John had been engaged, and although broken up, he still had feelings for his ex fiancee. Although the decision wasn't easy, he told me he wanted to try and work it out with her.

It took almost a year, but I put back the pieces of my heart, and I was able to understand why he made that decision. I forgave him (in my secret heart--we weren't in touch at that point) and realized I still had feelings for him. I wanted to find him, and see how he was, but he was hidden away somewhere.

Two weeks ago, after five long years, John showed up on Facebook as a friend suggestion. I was shocked, and sat staring at his picture for who knows how long, before I hit the "Request" button. I have been on an emotional roller coaster since that day. I can't fully describe what I have been feeling, so I won't even try. I will say, though, that I have been playing the "What If?" game with myself. What if he doesn't like me anymore? What if he finds me grossly unattractive compared to my younger, skinnier self? What if he is in love with someone, despite his single status? It's enough to make a single gal crazy.

Since requesting his Facebook friendship, John has added me and we have exchanged a couple messages. He doesn't log in to Facebook as often as I do (Is 24/7 too much?) so I have to force patience upon my nerve wracked brain.

Now that you are caught up, let me explain to you why I bring up the question of soul mates. I have always had a strong connection to John, one that I haven't felt with any of my boyfriends, including Montana's father. After I broke up with my last boyfriend, I went through the expected emotions and fears; always going to be alone, no one loves me, etc. Near the end of 2009, I got this overwhelming feeling of calm, and I felt that I would find "The One" in 2010. After that, I let go of the worry. Not many people know this about me, but I often get feelings, sort of like premonitions without the specific details. I also get dreams that warn me of tragedy, but not soon enough to change the future.

When I was waiting for John to add me on Facebook, I went back and forth thinking he wouldn't add me, or that he'd never be online to see the request. One night, I got this feeling of calm and assurance. The next morning when I signed in, I saw that he and I were now friends. He answered my message, and of course I replied. When he ignored that one, I started to panic again--this is what I do! On my way home from work a day or two later, I got the same feeling of calm. That night I saw he had sent me a message around the same time that I got my feeling.

Some people will be skeptical, I understand. But when I think of the love I had/have for John, and the feelings I am getting for him that I never experienced with another person, I think this is fate nudging me in the right direction. Unfortunately there are no guarantees, and I don't know how he feels yet. I will not rush it or scare him off, but I will stay positive. So my question is: Is John my soul mate?

Regrets

Why is it that regrets come as soon as it is too late to do anything about them? Essentially this is the definition of regret, but there are some things I could fix if I so chose. However, when someone dies, along with grief comes anguish and ruefulness, neither of which can be easily placated.

When my dad died, I instantly wished I could turn back the clock and spend more time with him, even just one last visit. You would think that would have taught me something about life.

Today when I was driving home from work, it hit me like a ton of bricks that Ken is gone, and I realized I didn't tell him in all my adult life that I was grateful for his generosity. I hope that he knew how much I appreciated it, but I will never know for sure.

I don't know what I would do given another chance. I didn't have contact with Ken after I stopped talking to his stepdaughter, so likely I wouldn't pick up the phone or drop in unexpectedly. I would have sent a card I think, but what could I say?

His funeral is in 2 days, and it is being held in the funeral home where I last saw my father. I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring myself to go back to that place, and on top of that is the fact that I don't feel comfortable with the people who are going.

I have decided to send flowers in my stead, and I will send a brief note in the card. Of course, he won't know if I'm there or not, and his eyes will never rest on the words I write, but I'm hoping it will ease the grief I feel, knowing I gave myself a chance to say goodbye, and more importantly, thank you.

Je suis si triste

When I was growing up, there were good times and there were bad times. During the bad times, there were good people and bad people. Sometimes it seemed out of balance, and the bad times and bad people surrounded me like fire. I love my family, and my parents, but it wasn't easy for them to care for me or my brother all the time. I had this friend when I was a kid, she took care of me a lot--she was a few years older than me, so she was like a big sister. I loved her. She lived with us for a while, and then I lived with her and her parents for a while. It was the most difficult year of my life--that was the year my dad died and my mom couldn't take care of me because she had her own issues (something I have long forgiven her for but is still a part of my childhood.)

When I was sixteen my friend's parents took me in, after much discussion. Her stepfather, Ken, was a bit of a jerk, but he opened his home to me, and took care of me for a year. He tried to be tough on me, but he always cut me slack, and helped me out with bus passes and anything else I needed. I remember one time we went to a 50's style restaurant, and there were car T-shirts on the wall. My favorite car was (and still is) the Camaro, and I really wanted the shirt, but I had no money. He would never buy such frivolous junk, it is a waste of money don't you know! But that man bought me the shirt, made me promise to pay him back, and then never accepted a dollar for it. I still have that T-shirt 11 years later.

When I moved back in with my mother, he was not happy. He didn't think it was a good idea, and I wasn't so sure myself. It has been more than a decade, and everything between my mother and me is wonderful--it took time, but it all worked out.

A few years ago Ken was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and was given a year to live. He got sicker and sicker, to the point where he didn't recognize his family, but he kept going. I felt awful and wanted to go see him, but it had been years, and I am no longer friends with his stepdaughter (very long story), so I felt too awkward.

I just found out that Ken died earlier today. Even though his death was very much expected, it still came as a shock and I couldn't breathe. I didn't get to say goodbye, and I can't bring myself to go to the funeral.

I have a very special place in my heart for Ken, he was my temporary father, and I will always be grateful to him for taking me in, always. I am glad he is no longer suffering.

RIP Ken
1954~2010

Révisions deFilm

Insanitarium

This freaky ass movie stars Jesse Metcalfe, hotty gardener boy from Desperate Housewives. He plays a man who infiltrates a mental institution to find his sister. Once inside, he discovers that the doctors and nurses are doing strange experiments on the patients. This is what it said in the "info" on my TV listings. I thought--"Great, a scary movie!" Um, no. It says more on the internet database. Quote: "The siblings discover that a doctor is using his patients like lab rats, forcing them to take a drug that turns them into flesh-eating psychopaths." Yeah that's a little different. I will let you use your imagination rather than describe this movie. But I do not recommend it. I rate it 1 bloody arm out of 5 body parts.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

I think this movie is self explanatory. Zack, played by Seth Rogen, and Miri, played by Elizabeth Banks, are broke and lose their power, water, and almost their apartment. After talking to an extremely homosexual Justin Long (big fan of his!) about making pornos for money, Zack thinks about trying it out. The movie is funny, but a bit too predictable and they spent too much time on the love story. But still worth seeing. I rate it 3.5 erections out of 5.

The Ugly Truth

Now THIS movie I can't say enough about. It stars Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler (falling in love with this actor) as a producer and a TV star who can't stand each other. Gerard hosts a TV show called The Ugly Truth which he uses as a platform to demean women and "teach" them how to get men. He uses his "knowledge" to help Katherine get the man of her dreams. Predictably they fall in love with each other instead. There are definitely moments in the movie that you can see coming, but the way they wrote it makes it so worth the predictability. I won't give anything away, but I think everyone should see this movie, it's definitely my favorite so far this year! I give it 4.5 smug assholes out of 5.

Quel Week-End!

Oh my. This weekend was tres magnifique! It was packed full from the time I left work Friday until I put Montana to bed tonight. Sooooooo.... let's start at Friday!

Friday

Montana had a play date right after school with her little friend May. The girls had been bugging me for quite some time, but because I have been busy taking care of Little Kub, working, and being ill, I haven't been up for it. I brought May home with us, and Montana was over the moon! They behaved much better than I expected; the two are absolutely wild together on a regular basis, but somehow managed to tame it while playing here. Hopefully they will have more play dates in the future! Unfortunately because of the play date I missed the registration for figure skating, which means Montana will not be starting until the summer. I suppose it won't be too bad, though--it will be a nice break from the heat!

After I dropped May off at home, we settled in for the hockey game: Canada vs. Slovakia. This game would decide who would play for Gold/Silver, and who would play for Bronze. It was very exciting, Slovakia put up a great fight, but in the end, Canada prevailed! This meant that Slovakia would play against Finland for Bronze, and Canada would move on to the Gold medal game.

After the game it was time for the most exciting part of my night: Marianas Trench. They put on a free show in my city to celebrate the Olympics, along with Blue Rodeo and 54-40. I love Marianas Trench (did I post some videos last week?) and I especially love lead singer Josh. *sigh* He is incredibly entertaining, and put on an amazing show. Way to represent Vancouver! Fantastic end to a fantastic Friday.

Saturday

I had big plans for Saturday. The family was going to go back to the park-- H Park was set up as a celebration site for the Olympics. It included stages, a beer garden, food stands, ice rink, and a toboggan hill. On the nights of the torch relay and opening ceremonies the park put on fireworks, visible from my living room window. Very cool. So anywho, we were going to check it all out one last time, buy shirts, try curling, basically fit in as much as possible before they pack it all up after the weekend. Unfortunately laziness took over and along with the rainy weather we decided to postpone it until Sunday.

Last week I met DM for a drink while she was in town with her friend CL, and then I was invited to CL's home for this weekend. I was thrilled! I love meeting new people. So Montana and I packed up and drove the hour to her house, where we met her little girl, her family, and a friend of hers. We had a great time playing cards and drinking, while Montana competed with DM for SingStar status (and even won a few!). I am so glad we got together this weekend. However, while I was there, my mom sent me a message to tell me Tristan's pesky little kitten tripped her and she either sprained or broke her toe. I felt horrible!

Sunday

Montana and I were up nice and early this morning despite our shared bedtime of 2:30 A.M. (that girl can party with the best of us!) and headed back into town to watch the Gold medal hockey game with my mom. Canada took on the USA in this much awaited match, and oh boy did they give our boys a run for their money! Much like sibling rivalry, this aptly named "Border Battle" kept us on the edges of our seats for the first two periods. When the second intermission started we rushed around to get ready, and headed to the park to watch the final period on the big screens, which wasn't all that rushed due to my mom's hobbled attempt at walking. Being with all the fans in the park was so exciting, yelling and cheering in unison. I would have loved to have been at the game, but this was the next best thing. When Roberto Luongo let that second American goal in the last 24 seconds before the final buzzer, we all let out a collective sigh. Quite the scare, that. So.. off to overtime we went. Luckily the fear was shortlived--don't think my heart could take anymore--and Canada won the Gold! I cannot describe the elation I felt, and I believe I can speak for all the viewers when I say that. Way to go Canada! Finland beat out Slovakia for the Bronze medal, so congratulations to them as well.

Once the commotion died down a little, we took the kids to do the toboggan hill and try curling. They had a great time, and we got some cute pictures, along with a new Olympic shirt for Montana and a Canada flag for Tristan, which brought many happy honks on our walk home.

We also had a Sweet Sixteen to go to tonight. I remember when the guest of honor was born, and walking to the hospital to see her. To know she is old enough to drive now, and soon will be finished high school, makes me feel old! It also reminds me that my baby is halfway to being sweet sixteen, and that I am not ready for. While we were at the party, the birthday girl's extended family showed up, which I knew was a possibility. I have a history with that part of her family, and due to some extreme psychotic behavior, I cut this particular person out of my life, and I have been much better for it. MUCH. This was the first time she and I were in the same building together in almost four years, so it was a little awkward. We did manage to avoid each other quite well however, even while our daughters were playing together. I'm glad that is over with, and hope I don't have to see her again!

Whew.. I think I have caught everyone up on my festivities! Now it's back to Monday blahs, wish me luck so I don't fall asleep at work!